hi, my name's rebecca.

I can't exactly remember how long ago i started to self harm, but it hasn't been that long. I know i've been depressed for a long time though. I constantly feel like there's some kind of mental block in my brain, and nobody else seems to get it.

I'm in Year 10 at a school outside of Bedford. I'm predicted As and Bs, but never seem to hit my target, and everyone always seems to love rubbing it in my face. I always feel 2 steps behing everyone else, and don't get why.

I'm also in the Army Cadets, and have been for the past 3 years. I was fine there, until some of the other boys there started to treat me like crap. I know they all think that they're better than me, but the way they show me makes me feel even shitter than ever. I can't control anyone there, and 2 particular guys there, who I'll refer to as L and Z, seem to think i'm an irrelevance. I don't see why, I know i'm not worth anything to that place. I was always good at Cadets, until they got up to the same level as me and they started to bitch me around. I want to leave, but can't bring myself to.

I remember coming home from cadets one Friday, and I was in tears because of it, and I had my penknife, and started to scratch at my skin. This is when i started to harm. Read more »

So, I haven't posted in around 2-3 weeks. Life's been a little bit hecktic. In the past 2 weeks I've cut 3 times. It's just all piling up. I've got exams and I'm really scared. Also I feel totally alone and as if I'm having a depressive break down. Turns out the one person I thought I could talk to I
can't because they don't care .So much for support. I told them about my cutting in confidence, they told their best friend and then told me to go see a physcyitrist. <--sorry for the spelling.
So i cut after that, feeling completely and terribly alone in the world.
Today I also found out that my mum could have cancer. I completely broke down at this. I cried in front of my friends for the first time ever. I'm terrified and I blame myself. When I was younger I'd hoped I'd die by getting a terrible disease so I could die. I've been answered and my mother might be the one to suffer. I even prayed for forgiveness today. I got down on my knees and prayed so hard. An cried. Again.
It's official, life sucks. However one good thing is I have a new guy friend whom I'm talking to loads. Hopefully I'll be happy soon. I really, really hope I am.