~Reliving the Memory...
It looked really good so I swallowed the bottle of blue drink I was given. It was really early in the morning and I was terribly thirsty. It was slightly weird tasting but I didn't understand what alcohol mixing was. I felt woozy, and my tongue was turned blue from whatever was used to disguise it. "Just tell your parents I gave you a blue lollipop, ok?" I nodded. "Okay."
"Here, have some more.." I drank some more.
"Come in my bed with me.."
"No, you have to do it for longer than that. Come on, like this.."
There's something wrong... you shouldn't be doing this to me. You're a lady, and I'm only eight. You're not suppose to put that in there..it feels bad! Please no, I don't want to. "We're going to do it the proper way, it's ok, nobody is awake." I squirmed under the blankets. "I don't want to, I want to stop." She didn't stop. "You're going to learn to do it properly, so we're doing it for real. And then you'll know how to make boys happy too." It's wrong, it feels wrong..it feels disgusting.. "It's suppose to feel like that." She responed as I resisted and squeezed my eyes shut, missreading my actions as acceptance. She kissed me repeatedly and I let her, for the alcohol was taking it's effect inside my young, clean organs. I had no energy to fight her, my mind fuzzy and confused. She said she was 'only teaching me'. I waited for it to be over.
"This is our secret, just you and me. You can't tell anyone, ok. Nobody. Let's make a promise."
"Okay...." I quietly agreed. "I promise..."
It didn't take too long before I started to understand what happened, and Anxiety Disorder entered my life to stay. I buried my secret so well that after four years it seemed I had forgotten. The anxiety I couldn't cover, however. It festered inside, and for a while I couldn't distinguish why I was so afraid of people (adults primarily). Until I started seeing a natural health therapist who is specialized in Kinesiology. I remember during a particularly distressing session, her saying "I've re-triggered something in your subconcious that you thought you'd forgotten." And after that statement, it all came and hit me at once. I remembered everything, and suddenly she became like an instant potential threat. I started to have half-hour shaking episodes instead of just the usual 'flinching' when she'd have to touch a pressure-point on me somewhere I was uncomfortable with. Every session after that, I struggled with near-panic attacks. I became aware that I was becoming more afraid of the lady that was trying to help me, and I felt isolated because of it. I then started noticing frequent, unnecesary feelings of complete 'surrender' and 'submission' toward her, which I found extremely distressing. I couldn't give her any eye contact, or even face her. I'd hide behind my waves of hair and keep my head down, my body closing itself off and hiding my hands between my thighs. All key signs of fear submission, I learned later. As I'd have my treatment, I'd continuously be thinking, right now she could choose to harm, torture or abuse me and I'd have no will to fight her..I am powerless and I can't do anything about it.. And then I'd start to panic. To this day, I still don't know what her eye colour is, and I've been seeing her for three years. That's how bad I am. I realise my reactions are all stemming from that memory. I'm feeling the exact same things toward my natural therapist as I did toward the woman as an 8 year old child. I guess, because she triggered the memory, bought it back to life, she unknowlingly became like the offender, perhaps like a replacement character of the real one. But I know that she isn't. She found out about it eventually, along with the other abuse which occured when I was 16, involving a guy. But she doesn't actually know about the woman, I accidentally lead her to believe the two incidents were committed by the one guy. She doesn't know how the memory is affecting me, and my relationship with her. I feel ashamed for reasons I can't discern. I have yet to find the strength to tell her.