"You can't sleep your life away Rachel."

Thats what my mom told me today when she got off work and found me dead asleep on my bed. Well you know what mom? I dont fucking care. I'll sleep my life away if I want. Dreams are better than reality anyway.

"I havent seen you in three days because you are always asleep or in your room."

Actually, its because I dont want to see you. All you talk about is lacrosse, AHS, and my future. Which are topics which are pretty pointless to me.

"Wanna play videogames with me? Or are you just going back to your cave?"

>.< Not even going to comment on that one.

I cant stand anyone here anymore. At first they were tolerable but now I jst cant do it. And that sucks.I'm so blunt and antisocial that I cant even be around my family for a few minutes before I want to jump off a bridge. I guess I'm just too different.

Too depressed, too scarred, too unhappy, too done.

Can you even use the term "too done"? Probably not. It souunds too bizarre. Just like me.

Every day that passes without me self-injuring is like a year. For me, one of the reasons I cut is so I can live; so I don’t have to commit suicide. Shouldn’t I be congratulated? I got really upset and I wanted to cut so I went to hang out with my family. It was fine, we were all laughing and play fighting; until my father told me to “Stop talking.” So now I’m back in my room, typing this. I keep telling myself that one cut doesn’t count, that one cut is okay. I even made a deal that I could use some other form of self-harm this time next week, before therapy. What the hell is wrong with me? I feel just as miserable as before, except now I just don’t have fresh cuts on a daily basis.

I’m on medication because of yesterday; I have to take it twice a day. I tried to mash it and put it in icecream but that didn’t work. I’ll have to try orange juice tonight. Read more »

Last night on another site someone went to my inbox and completely bashed me. He was shortly banned but that didn’t stop him from making several new accounts. He then put up a video that made fun of special needs people and that really crossed the line. I wish he would leave me alone.

I got up this morning and I was really nervous to go to the gyno. My mom drove me there (wow, I’m losing memory. I forgot that “drive” is “drove” in the past tense) Anyway, as soon as we got there they took me in because the patient before me cancelled. They took my height and weight and I was shaking. I also got my blood pressure taken. Thank god it came back normal, because I always seem to have it too high. I had a skirt on so it was easier for me to get ready for the doctor. I won’t go into details. But there were some things that were confirmed, at least in the way I saw it, anyway. I kept flinching and it hurt, so my mom thinks I was abused without being penetrated. I don’t even know if I want to eventually find (is find the right word?) the rest of my memories. On the way home, I just started crying.

I had a flashback. When I was around four, my dad asked me how old I thought you’d have to be to purchase alcohol. I replied, “21, daddy.” I knew stuff like this; I knew sexual type of things when I was a little kid. Things that I shouldn’t have known. Read more »

Listen to me.

No artsy or depressing pictures.

No distracting fonts. No colors.

Just read this.

Somebody cares.

And it will get easier.

It may not seem like it, I know.

But I promise at LEAST one person cares.

You are so beautiful.

And you deserve so much more

than what you do to yourself.

Don’t hurt yourself, don’t beat yourself down,

don’t hold it in.

Just let it all out, and breathe.

Because the fact that you can breathe is pretty amazing!

Don’t give that up.   

This is for all of you that feel like giving up! Sometimes it's easy to forget the good things that we have... The fact that we are alive and breathing! Just know that I care, and I'm probably not the only one. :) Stay strong!