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While my boyfriend was at work, I didn't have an urge but I was holding scissors and I absent-mindedly scratched myself. I did it over and over, and loved it. I even got a good feeling out of it. I'm wearing long sleeves but he's here now and I'm SO ANXIOUS. I can't let him see ugh what was I thinking?? Why do I do this? I didn't have an urge. It’s a fucking addiction, I know that, but WHY? Why the fuck am I so fucked up? I love adrenaline. I'm a junkie. I love going fast in cars (while i'm in control - again, the control). I don't really like adrenaline. I love the rush I get while cutting (control). I want to sky dive so badly but under my terms (control). It's all about adrenaline and control. But I don’t know if it controls me. I feel like I’m in control. I feel that I could stop if I wanted to, but I can’t because I don’t want to.