I guess I shouldn't worry about the minor self-injury I have to fess up to, now it's the majorly fucked up self-injury that got blood everywhere. It was on the floor, the edge of the sink, in the sink, flowing all over my arms.

That's the first time in a long time I've cut that bad. In fact, that may have been the worst. Which is funny because I went to inpatient on less that these current cuts. It's weird, I want to do more, but I know that would be beyond bad. THAT would get me back in the hospital quicker than you can say looney bin. 

I am worried that they may consider sending me there for at least 72 hour observation, just to make sure I don't get any worse. In some ways I kind of home so. I have this bad feeling that this is just going to get worse unless something major happens again...

So I haven't posted here in a while, but here's a "small" update I posted on another blog. I've been having weird eating patterns for a little while now, which is why it starts off talking about wanting to eat everything in my kitchen.

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I’ve stopped wanting to gorge on everything in sight, but my eating habits are still weird. I’ve taken to peanut butter and potato chips, mainly because it fills me quickly and has a taste and texture I adore. I don’t want much of anything else, even though I should.  Read more »

I didn't buy new razors. Instead I bought organization supplies for exams and met with one of the top students in the class to see if she could help me with my paper. Since when did I forget how to write these things? Meh.

Either way, I did SI, but it was a lot less than it would have been if I'd had new tools. I see that as a smallish victory I guess. I'm kind of emotionally blank right now so I'm not sure what else to write.

Oh, small after thought: having dreams about an ex sucks majorly. :/

Well yesterday was weird. :/

I've mostly given up on hiding my SI, mainly because I know scars will be there for a long time if not forever. Might as well get used to the idea of swimsuits and such since it's the summer, if you will. I know this opens up the opportunity for others to make their own assumptions and whatnot about scars and fresh cuts. So I guess I shouldn't be as surprised as I am that a freshman at our morning table asked me if I cut myself. 

It was the way he did it that threw me off, though. He looked me in the eye, and asked me straight to my face. Most people try and make a joke about it (something that happened later that day) or just stare but this kid asked me straight out, no b.s.-ing around. It actually scared the shit out of me. I told him I did because of stress problems and he nodded his head and went about his business, and the freshman next to him told me he got where I was coming from. Maybe it's because of the immature freshman stereotype they exude that threw me off, but either way it's a welcome surprise to the normal rude or dismissive behavior a lot of people give SI at our school. Read more »