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I am a 29 year old male who regularly cuts. I am so alone it is unbearable. I am watching my mom have a nervous breakdown, and I dont want to have to call 911 for her overdosing again. I had to talk her out of suicide this morning. The rest of my family is a train wreck (various substance abuse, spousal abuse, child abuse on the one side, and I have been completely disowned by the other side).

I have tried to talk to a couple of people about it, but all I am met with is dissaproval. My friends whom I discussed this with called me pathetic for being so weak. My friends just use me so they can all get close to a female friend of mine, and have no real interest in my company.  The amusing part is I really care about this female friend, but I am just too ugly for her, so I am only her friend (and to top it off I get to watch her try and make a relationship of thins with some of thiese people. She knows how I feel, and doesn't care for me the same way. I try to connect with women, but when I show them a warm smile, i am greeted with (usually) the sight of them recoiling in disgust or (occasionally) reaching for mace or yelling for help. I don't know what it is exactly that is broken inside of me, and I have been to professional help to find out, but the doctors are more interested in putting me on drugs (which don't work) and view my honest pleas for help with such skepticism that I doubt they believe me when I tell whatever doctor is curently dealing with me what is going on.  The only reason I havent jumped off the roof of my building is because I have to look after my mom and my dog. I have asked people for a reason to live that doesn't involve God, or how it would make other people feel, and with those two addendums, no one can awnser me. I just get a blank stare back and lots of  "Uhhhh... I don't know what to say". to be honest I am not even sure why I am writing this. I guess its just a digital version of me screaming into the wind.