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I have been thinking a lot about life and how i have seem to come so far from where i was. I am now almost 21 weeks pregnant and with the pregnancy i am not taking any of my medication. I have decided that when and if i got pregnant i didn't want to be on my medication during it knowing that maybe a bad idea. Some days are better then others. I know i have told my husband many times how i wish i was still taking them and other days i feel like i'm doing really good. I haven't cut in about 15 weeks (the last time i cut was the night before i found out i was pregnant) and that is a HUGE step for me. Before i got with my husband i was cutting 3 or 4 times a day every day, and when we got together i was cutting maybe once a month. He made me see that i didn't need to cut. Now that i'm pregnant i don't want to cut i sure as hell have the urge every now and then but cutting is an addiction you will always have that urge but now i don't act on it. I look at my body and see all of the scars.....and i wonder how i will explain them to my little one when they get old enough to understand and i wonder if they will think i was a bad person. my scars explain all the shit i have been through, battle scars as some may call them. and they show how i choose to survive my past. I know i want to be the best mother i can be and keep my child from harms way but we all know that we can't keep them from everything i just don't want them to know how i choose to dealt with what i have been through and don't deal with it the same way. i see a therapist weekly and a shrink once a month. they have both been telling me how well i am doing with not being on meds and how my perspective on life seems to have turned around, but i have been trying to turn everything around for this wonderful being thats growing inside me. im hoping for the best, but i will continue to wait and see. i know i just have to keep my head held high. A few weekends ago i was at the mall and this random women overheard me talking to someone about how im pregnant, she looked at me and asked if i was and i said yes. she looked at my hair, piercings and tattoos and asked if i was going to change the way i look and dress before the baby got her and i told her now, and that i was going to stay the same. and she told me that i was going to be a bad mother for raising my child with me not being "normal" i on the other hand did not take this to heart, i explained that with the way i am the child will love me no matter what and if the child is raised with my craziness they will learn and know that being different is a bad thing. and she still continued to tell me i was going to be a horrible mother. i then told my own mother this and we laughed about it. my mother tells me im going to be a good mother no matter what because it doesn't matter what i look like. i just don't understand how some people think.