I haven't been on here in god knows how long. Only a couple of these names look familiar...none of them the people I used to talk to though. It's weird.....but that was to be expected.
I honestly don't care if anybody reads this, I just felt the need to type things out, so it won't even make sense anyway. And I don't know when I'll even log in here again. Might be a whole year from now again.
I haven't cut in......three months I think. So that's good. But drugs have kind of taken the place of cutting for me. Which isn't good. I'm no longer suicidal! So that's great. But I have completely fucked everything up and I have no idea what to do anymore. A couple months ago I snuck out and went to a party with my friend and fucked some guy I don't even know for drugs. And last month I cheated on my boyfriend with my ex-boyfriend (who I am now dating again.)
A couple girls that hate me decided they wanted to ruin my life and got a hold of this information and started talking shit. So the whole last month of school I was getting called a whore every day at school. She even followed me around town in a car (twice) yelling bitch and whore at me. So I confronted her about it a week before school let out. She didn't even defend herself. None of her friends even stood up for her, they just stood there and laughed. Which I thought was fucking hilarious.
But I've been tearing myself up (mentally) over everything. I regret fucking some guy for drugs, that was low. And I absolutely fucking hate myself for cheating on Kyle. I still care about him. A lot. And honestly, I want to be with him more then I want to be with Jared. But I've fucked it up beyond repair. God why am I such a fuck up.
It's currently 6:30 in the morning and I'm on my second cup of coffee and about to go smoke another cigarette. I never went to sleep last night because I was up crying, like every other night. I miss Kyle so much. But I feel like I have to stay with Jared. He's just now getting his life back together after dropping out of school. And if I leave him now, I know exactly what will happen to him. He will lose his motivation and probably quit or get fired from the job he just got and never go back to get his GED. And I can't do that to him again. I can't fuck up someone else's life because of my poor decisions. And I know it was his decision to drop out, I had nothing to do with that. But the last time we broke up he went into a deep depression for months. And he's just now starting to come out of it because he has me back.
I've been thinking about cutting again. I let my friend burn me with a cigarette last week. And I've been doing more and more drugs lately. Last week I got so high that I was shaking and puking and couldn't even get up off the bathroom floor. And I was talking to Jared because I was so scared, I had never been that afraid in my life, I thought I was going to die. And I was kind of hoping I would. (Okay, so maybe I am still suicidal. Whatever.) Jared was pissed. He hates anything to do with drugs or drinking or smoking. He won't talk to me for days after I get high or drunk. And he doesn't approve of the smoking, but he tolerates it. And that's horrible of me. I know I should stop. But I don't want to. I can't. I need it. I need it to forget about Kyle and my mom and my dad and the fucking memories that haunt me every single day from when I was sexually abused by my brother. That was a long time ago, and it shouldn't bother me like it does. I feel horrible. A complete fuck up.
It's almost 7 now and I need a cigarette. So I'm gonna go...and try to figure out what to do, for the millionth time.