I can't really believe it. The first few weeks were the worst; then I went another month in a numb period; I broke down about five days ago and nearly lost control, but I somehow, somehow, managed to fight it. I think I just kept telling myself what a waste it would be after all these weeks in control. I don't know. 

I haven't blogged in a while. The problem is, the more I think about it, the more I try to confront my deep-seated need for it and try to cleanse myself - I get too involved, and the need comes back, heavier than before. I just have this horrible feeling I won't be able to correct myself without cutting again in the future. And I know stopping is not the only answer, because part of me still greatly looks forward to starting again. Because honestly, I feel like I'm just putting off the need, and it will come back to take me over. 

It's just a matter of time. 

Haven't posted a blog update in a while. Just wanted everyone interested to know that as of Monday, May 10th, I will have gone 9 weeks without cutting. And I know it sounds totally lame, but don't give up. Rather than thinking about the action of SI, I think more of the possibility of SI at all. Before I would think about how badly I needed to do it - now it runs through my mind as an errant thought, asking me if I need it. 

It's a small change. But it's actually a huge one, too. I hope other people have experienced this too. 

Best wishes to everyone. Stay strong