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I've only ever told three people about my problem. Two of them don't live here, so I never have to face them; telling them was easy and painless because they couldn't do anything about it. And the one is anorexic, so he can't help me. Our problems come down to the same roots, and until he wants to change, he'll just condone my problem, too. 

But one of the three does. I don't know why I did it - I guess some part of me wants help, just not a conscious part - but I told him about it briefly after I met him. Never in person, it was always an email or a text message. And he wanted me to call him every time I needed to do it, but I couldn't. Calling him meant he'd try and stop me - and I didn't want him to. But recently my problem has been spiraling, much worse than usual, and I admitted this to him. He called me last night and we spent two hours talking me through it, trying to open me up. To get me to try and realize why I need this. Why I want it. And I believe some part of my issue is feeling like I'm not needed. By friends, family, or a significant other which I've never had. Over the years I have convinced myself nobody needs me. And what I'm doing is okay; I'm different. But I'm not, I've been doing this for a lot longer than I've ever admitted to myself because I never saw anything wrong with what I was doing. But I understand now that I'm afraid to feel like people need me, because that would mean that I have to need others. I can't let go of myself long enough to allow myself to reach out for someone else. 

I think I've hit a good point. And I hope anyone reading this will go listen to "Fix You" by Coldplay. He played that song for me last night when I spent ten minutes in wordless agony, unable to voice anything. I hope it can help someone else, too.