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I'm a nothing

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i can have  a perfect day, and still want to kill myself. Today wasn't perfect, though. It was far from perfect. at the end of the day It doesnt matter, because I cant get these suicidal thoughts and urges to cut out of my head.

I haven't cut in five weeks. I'm proud because I can wear what I want, but the depression and anxiety is building up inside. I'm not used to smooth skin. If I don't have any cuts.....it feels weird. If I don't rip my skin......

I gained some of my weight back----I'm 115 now. My mom says if I get under 100 lbs, shes going to take my phone away. I plan to lose 15 lbs.

I just graduated eighth grade yesterday, and summer is already bothering me. Last year, it took me three weeks to realize we werent going back to school. Now im going to high school...it bugs me. Even though my anxiety is bad at school, I saw my friends everyday. Without a schedule....I go insane. I am sad because I am leaving behind some good teachers and I'm tired of going to new schools...I think this is like my 8th school now.

I didnt type a lot because I am so out of it.... don't know who I am. i'm either in  bad dream or maybe I already died, it sure feels like I died inside.

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autismtwin I'm a nothing in Blog entry published by 11 months ago ()

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hi

11 months () (Permalink)

i know about the smoth skin that i wont get back coz of the cut and deep scares but whats done is done i hope u can find something that helps take ya mind of stuff  and i know what u mean also about schools i been to 6/7 my self for diff things the uk is diff from most places with this stuff but i find it hard but theres allways some thing better out there and u will get there hand inx

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autismtwin

Hey, thanks for just saying

11 months () (Permalink)

Hey, thanks for just saying something. The smallest things help me. I was born in the UK because my parents were in the military, and I moved here at around two. What do they do for self harm situations where you live? with me, I get 'no self harm' contracts (obviously they haven't worked) I have to sign and then list teachers who can help me. After that I have to go through the administration who basically suspend me until I'm safe to come back to school. So this past school year I have missed 45 days because of them. I'm suprised I graduated actually. They didnt even excuse my absences, and my teachers hated me but they didn't know anything about me. They hated me for missing so much time. Starting in high school, if I have more than five unexcussed absences, I lose my credit for that class. I only have five credits so far.

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