When I was little, my mom always made Christmas magical.  My older brother and I would wake my dad up at 6 AM, excited.  Mom would have been up for several hours already, acting as "Santa." I always seemed to get just about everything I wanted, I wasn't picky, it wasn't hard to please me.  It was perfect.  I looked forward to the magic every year.  Christmas was the day that my parents pretended they were happy.  The day that we were their main concerns, rather than themselves.  

This year, my parents fought all day.  And the day after.  And they're still at it.  It's nothing new to see my parents fight, but it has ruined my Christmas memories.  Memories of being an innocent little girl.  Memories of being happy.  

I hate the whole "stay together for the kids" theorem.  I can see that if your kids are young and you don't drag them into your fights, and you try your best to be happy around them, fine.  But when your kids are teenagers and you try to get them to side with you all the time, then staying together for the kids isn't doing the kids any good.  The kids just want to see you shut up for one day.  And not the deafening silences of when you're too angry to even look at each other.  A peaceful silence.  A happy silence.  And if breaking up is the only way that that's going to happen, then break up.  Because the kids don't want to have to handle this.

I keep telling myself I'm not going to cry when my brother goes to college. But I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do without him. I will be the only kid in the house. My parents will be able to do whatever the hell they want with me. And you want the truth? I'm scared. I'm fucking scared. I don't know how I'll survive without someone to take half the yelling, half the anger, half the torture. I don't blame him for leaving, I'm going to do so as soon as I can. My mom says she doesn't blame him, either. At least she can see how horrible my dad can be. I can't believe she's still with him some days. I'm just glad I'll only have 2 days with them until school starts. And I have golf, that takes most of my time. I won't have to actually be in the house very long except for weekends until October. I can get away from my dad on Saturdays, and maybe Sundays if I can convince my parents to let me go out with this guy, who may as well be my boyfriend. I guess it won't be too bad. I'm just scared. 

So, recently this guy my family knows took too many drugs and ended up in the hospital. My mom was talking to me saying stuff like "don't you ever do that" and stuff like that. Then suddenly she said "the stuff you do is bad enough." It's like, WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?! I don't do drugs, she knows that. I don't drink. I don't sneak out at night. I don't sleep around. WHAT MORE DOES SHE WANT?! I haven't even cut for 2 months, although she's supposed to think it's been longer. I just don't know what I did to make her think I'm a bad person. I try so hard to make my parents proud of me, I just want them to believe in me again. They think I'm worse than I am. I don't know why they think that, I don't know what I could have possibly done to make them think that. I don't even go out with my friends, I don't have the chance to do something bad. Yet, I'm a horrible child. I don't know how the hell I'm going to make it until I'm 18. 

I haven't cut myself in almost two months. I'm not exactly sure of the date I last did it, but I'm thinking it was June 7.  I'm pissed off at my family and I can't wait for school to start. I register for school today.  I'll be a sophomore. My brother leaves for college in about a week, which means my parents can focus all their attention on me. Yay. 

I've been talking to this guy who has been my friend for a long time, and he's always been so nice to me.  We're thinking about dating.  He understands a lot about me and is so sweet. 

Well, I don't really have much to say. I've only seen my best friend once this summer, so it was a pretty uneventful summer.