Why?

Am I Really? Getting tired of all the bullshit and not good enoughs. Why do I even bother? To many fakes in this world. Tell me the truth, not a lie. I am so tired. I look at my knife...she calls me daily. I keep her hidden, but I Know were she is. I know were I put her. She is behind glass and not on my keychain anymore.She is beautiful. I miss her. She loves me and I love her. She lets my feelings flow....I can feel the warm blood running down my arm. I see the deep red color and welcome it back into my world.....fully. I will hide my cuts as I have been warned of my job if they see one cut. They would not have known if my so called bestfriend  would have not told on me. That is what I get for being bestfriends with one of the bosses. We were close before she became one of them. FUCK her and everyone else to. Do not try to understand me...you never will. I do not want anyone to..This is my life, I choose, not you.

Life does not  go as you want. Things do not always go the why you hope. Wondering huh? Okay. This week  I to an open call. And as you prolly guessed idid not make it. What does one do when dissapointment falls in your lap? Two things. First you can feel sorry for yourself. Do something you promiced you would not.( BABY I  DID NOT CUT) Will this change the outcome? NOPE! Then you just feel the disappointment of hurting yourself yet again.  Now you can male the right choice and take it as a learning tool. It is okay...ya can not always win. There is always a next time. I am working on my next time. Life goes on. My support system was strong, even when I found out the news. I am truly LOVED. So whatever you plans, just keep your head up. You are were  you are supposed to be.

Hurt is not just a word. If  you are reading this, you know.  I seem to be very good at hurting the people I love the most. Sometimes they just pass it  on, like everything is cool. That is not always the case. Somebody that cares deeply for me got in my path tonite. He was in it since last nite. Anyway,  I know he cares.  I know he loves me and just wants to help. What do I do? Strike.  I hurt him bad...some wounds do not heal easy. I almost lost him.I would have been so lost with out him. I know I keep hurting him ans he keeps coming. He did hurt me back tonite....sometimes a taste of your own medicine is hard to take. It makes you realize that hurt is not just a word, but a feeling.A very true feeling. Why is it  I can go to work and deal with  tons of teens, encourage them. Then in the same day hurt a friend, a family member?   A  girl was upset today over her grades. her mom was on her ass...her mom is always on her ass. Sucks. Anyway..she was telling me about it today. I told her she could do it, that I had faith in her. Know  what she said? She asked me why? She said nobody else ever did. Read more »

Today I broke my promise. I could not give you today. You did ask. My day went to hell. My week went to hell and it is only fucking tuesday.  I Said only ask for today. I gave you two months. I think you truly have no clue of my life.  I know you try. Still not even close.  I guess your are no longer proud of me,are you?  I could tell when we spoke. You thought I was fucking bragging of it? No not bragging baby. I hurt you,  I know. You hurt me too.  I could not be what you wanted today. I am not a fucking switch either.  I never said you were or even implied that. I am very patient with you.  I thought you knew that.  Ilove you. I cut deep tonite. I missed the blood.  I missed the rush.  I missed the  feel of being in control. I am in control with my knives and razors. They never let me down. They never go behind my back. You know who I am talking about. Yeah the high school cheerleader is fucked up. She loves deep, she hurts deep. She is not perfect. She has no control in her life...but when she pulls out her knives...she is in complete control.  I am that girl.