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My first cutting episode was when I was 16. This guy (I will call Jay for privacy reasons) who had dated girls at my school started talking to me, mainly through facebook messaging because he was in college & I was still in high school. He made really good friends with me & was super sweet to me and I felt like I could really talk to him. Everything was fine. Then I started feeling real stressed about things and people kept adding more & more stress to my pile, so I started scratching myself really hard. The next day I found I loved seeing the scratches, I felt a sense of relief and control. But then I realized they were on my arms where people could see. So I started cutting my upper legs with an earring.

I tried to tell Jay & he was really upset & said we needed to talk about it so I became terrified he'd tell someone and told him my friend hacked my account & made that up & I told him Id never do it. He believed me.

I started to only cut when life was just too much to handle, I only cut if I was too stressed.

But then Jay showed his true colors to me. He started messaging me sexual things and making me feel uncomfortable. Because of him, I cut myself almost every night. I never encouraged him and I always told him no. He'd always try to get me to meet him and give him blow jobs or have sex. Every night, he'd text me descriptions of what he wanted to do with me. It got extremely graphic. And he pretty much told me he'd rape me one night. I kept telling him no sexual anything when I talked to him but then he'd end up on it anyways and really describe what he'd do to me. I felt so useless, ashamed, and nasty. He really hurt me emotionally. He did this to me for 2 years and I cut and cut and cut. The reason he stopped is because he got a g/f who'd do whatever with him. He'll prob start again if they break up. But Im not replying to him anymore in any way if he does.

I am a very big Christian and I in no way feel that cutting makes me bad, I just feel that its a way of release. I know I need to stop but I dont want to because its the only thing that keeps me feeling better. I dont cut deep, but I cut enough to bleed. I havent gotten worse in m y cutting. I know its unhealthy and I need to stop, but I cant.

If I get real happy, I stop, but when the stress comes back, I start up again.