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I don't know what to say or how to say it. Lately I've just been feeling horrible. I have been having dreams about rape.. Which happened to me twice when I was younger. I tried to go to a dance last night, homecoming for my high school and something happened that just petrified me. I started crying for no reason. I hate crying in front of people, I barely cry at all. I like to pretend I am always okay and I think I lost the ability to cry unless I have an emotional breakdown and do it uncontrollably. Which is pretty much what happened. Teachers and friends were trying to figure out what happened in the half hour I had to wait for my mom to show up. How can I tell them what happened when I don't even know?? Now tomorrow I have to go back to school and face all of them. One of them even called today to bug me about it and I just wanted to scream at them to leave me alone.

I have been thinking about dying a lot. I guess they are like urges but at the same time the rest of me is like No! I don't want to die but I'm scared something will happen. When I get sad enough, its not me that's in charge. I feel like I am in the back seat watching things happen. I don't sound like myself or act like myself or do things that I would normally do. I tried to talk to my school counsellor about it but she didn't have much help for me. I feel like I am on my own. My boyfriend is trying to help but I don't think he really knows how. Whenever he tries I end up having to take care of him because he gets upset. I mean I guess it goes with the territory of having a younger boyfriend (I am 17 and he is 16), but its just hard sometimes.

I haven't cut in a while, so I am proud of that. When I think about cutting I just get upset at myself. I don't want to cut anymore. I want something that gets deeper and takes the pain away. I feel broken inside and I don't know what to do about it. I want to cry and I can't. I don't even remember that last time I cried before last night. I don't know I guess I just want someone to tell me things will get better but I don't know if anyone can tell me that and mean it. When will things get better? Can I hold out that long? I hope so...