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My Life is okay, I have an amazing boyfriend and I love my friends, but since i dropped out of my course I feel so useless, so worthless. I have no money and i don’t do much apart from a maths course. Martin compliments me a lot, which i love and practically live on. His sweet words are what keep me going. Without them I’d die, I’ve been in that position before though, where I’ve wanted to die more than you can imagine, I thought it was the end. I couldn’t live without my friends.
I know i sound extremely depressed when I say all this shit, but seriously there is nothing “emo” about it, I’m a Rock N’ Roll fan & i always will be, but i’ve been so depressed since i finished school, that i can’t even begin to enjoy life even with the only things that keep me going.
Okay let me start again. I’m Kelly, I’m a Cherrytwin and I used to go to Queens Park High School, my mum suggested i quit before year 13 started and I thought, “yeah why not”. So i started college and then worked my way through a health & social care course. I became depressed & drank every weekend, sometimes until i collapsed on my bed and didn’t wake until the next morning. I was taking random trips around town along because I wanted to stay away from people, I had a caffeine pill addiction and I was hallucinating regularly, the pills also gave me a jaw disorder and one day i nearly fainted, i couldn’t stop moving my jaw for a week until it calmed down. My body shut down completely for around half an hour, until i was put to sleep, unfortunately I developed insomnia. I thought I was being watched every minute so i took to the darkest corners of the city and the underground where nobody could see me. I was getting in trouble with the police all the time and my friends were the only ones i wanted to know. On Sundays i’d constantly have hangovers, I would hide the evidence from my family even though it was hard, i used to walk home alone in the dark, not even in a straight line. One night i sat next to the back gate of our garden and talked to myself for a few minutes, in the icy weather, just so i could sober up before i got in. In the winter, Love Said No an awful lot. But forget that.
I was isolated in lessons and I didn’t have any friends there, there was this one girl who i sat with every Tuesday but i lost contact with her after a while, i have no idea what happened to her. I couldn’t take any more, i hide in the bathrooms during break times because I couldn’t stand the kids around me, I did something stupid during my breaks, but I won’t go into that and I never will. I’d just be labelled emo anyway. My tutor arranged a counsellor for me but then i cancelled it because i couldn’t stand the pain of everybody knowing i was the only one to see a counsellor, no fucking wonder they never spoke to me. I went on work experience to Florance Grogan, A dementia and residential care home. It was spiritual murder. I had a good conversation with two elderly ladies, they were really nice; they told me what everything was like back in the 30’s, I was really interested to be honest. The dementia side was really, really hard, having to look after elderly patients who forgot who you were after 10 minutes, when i got home after those really stressful Fridays, i cried for a while and practically prayed that I won’t be that unfortunate.
After Christmas, I developed a psychological disorder where i was too scared to leave the house. Something I’ve had very remotely since i was young, but this time it was serious. I went out to meet someone i was seeing at the time, also my best friend-of the time (Heidi). Then when the relationship ended, I stayed at home all the time, the day college started again it was very icy and I am terrified of ice. I walked towards the corner of my road and then turned back again, just to find mum and my sister watching me and saying “what the hell is she doing?” (i didn’t know they were watching me). I tried to make myself sick and I told mum i wasn’t well. So i stayed off school. The next day i did the same thing. I heard my mum saying “where does she get it from? She doesn’t get it from us.” From that day until this one i have never felt so unwanted and hated by my parents. A few days later i stopped eating and started crying whenever i saw myself.
I saw a college course adviser every week, i know she was getting sick of me after a few days, i followed my heart and quit the course because it was making abrasions in my life as well as somewhere else. I started on my maths course, where I met Kat, Ronique and David, i really like them to be honest, the two girls are so friendly and we’ve become pretty close over the past few weeks. My parents and certain other people still haven ‘t stopped getting at me by saying I’m useless and I’ll never be anything. They also suggest that I’m a burden and I should be doing something like my sister, even though she’s 15 and I’ve already fucking been to school and I’m too old to go back. I have a job and yeah, it’s not in the week like i wanted it but at least i actually asked them to make it in the week, i TRIED! I can’t fucking believe how people get at me sometimes, even the people i love most like my Granddad and my aunty. If i hadn’t met Martin or got back in touch with Clare, I would never stop saying: “It’s getting harder just to feel alive”. I’ll pray for you.
My boss decided they didn’t want me for a month so my parents started getting at me again saying it was my fault, why? Am i really that bad? The non top of all that I called the college and asked them finally if they had any A-level courses i could start on, because i was really looking forward to studying English and they told me i couldn’t do that. This world is far from perfect. I just got told i can’t do the one thing i want to do. So i guess i’ll have to go back and do something completely pointless that i don’t even want to do just so i can get EMA and suffer. Great, my life is taking a bad turn again. That’s why I’m grateful for those loved ones that saved me, no material goods or strangers ever did.
I loved the times i shared in town though; great memories and I’ll never forget them. Even though there was a lot of addiction, alcoholism, promiscuity and bad choices, I will never be ashamed of the scars they caused. I am gonna start going back to hang out with those people in the summer, because kids haven’t even finished school yet so what’s the point in going out? Overall, I guess you could say I’ve been through a lot, but seriously it could be worse.