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To my limit and back

I had the worst relapse / sucidal failed attempt. In more ways than just not dying. I mean as in my attempt was pretty pathetic.

Back story being a day of arguments and screaming.Of all of us saying and doing things out of anger and to hurt one another. My mother dismissing me for the last time, taking back her offer to drive us to work...again. I screamed "give me back my money, and you don't have to drive us. You can stay at grandpas and sit on your fat lazy ass, you cunt bitch."

Ah my use of curses is embarrassing. I slammed on the walls and thought I busted my hand. I broke down into a fit crying because I'd said the most horrible things to my mother. The fighting became more intense. We went into our little arssanals, finding the things that's hurt the most. My mother got in my face threaten me, telling me I had to get out of the house. I told her she was carzy like her mother. She wanted to beat the shit out of me but my step father was holding her back. I stood there and told her to go right ahead, because nothing she did could be worse than what I'd want to do to myself. Read more »

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Dancing Sparks Blog entry published by 7 months ago ()

family disfunction

I got a call at work today from my sisters school. Her guidance councilor, in search of a way to contact my mother. Who not too long after that call actually showed up, letting me know she was there waiting till i was off my shift.

I said not a word, I had to get some time to think. I knew what this was about, had a pretty damn good idea. I got home and my sister was a nervous mess. They knew for sure, apparently a fried of her's told the school she was cutting.

She spoke with councilor a lot it seems, she seems ok with that part, got things off her chest but the whole talking with my mother part. I know why she was so scared. I know how scared I was for 7 years of desperate secrecy.

I broke the news for her, had to when my sisters lie only aimed different put downs at her, arrow sharp, sniper aim.( My mother would be great at COD)

She wasn't pleased at all,that I already knew. She said it was just my sister trying to get attention. That she got the idea from me. That it was my fault. That I'm screwed up and she should have stuck me in therapy as a kid. She yells I'm taking her to therapy so she doesn't get screwed up too, and she's leaving with me. My mother isn't staying at our place.

(Which was good, in the fact that I was about to head to a homeless shelter, because she refused to drive me to work anymore the night before, until I negociated more gas money. She didn't want to stay in the house with my step father though.) Read more »

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Dancing Sparks Blog entry published by 7 months ago ()

Returning

I haven't been on this site in so long.  I have more things happening and that have happened then I can embrace.

For one, I got back with my boyfriend, we recently celbrated our 7 year anniversary as if it was never interrupted.

I no longer live in NYC, I've moved in with my mother in PA, with my boyfriend as well. Though we are making plans to move out on our own as soon as possible.

I came back to this site for two reasons; one being that I did cut myself after 6 months without.

I have anxeity issues, food  "challeneges" and stress helps neither of the two. My mother found out about my self injury and my eating disorder at the begingin of the year. She's been on top of me more aout my eating disorder than anything else.

My weight is..low, very low as my family puts it, but I've been lower without their knowelge. I haven't cut in 6 months, and as proud as I want to be about that, it in no way means I'm much healthier for it. My ED has really just been my main sourse of coping with stress from my family and daily life.

I admit I have cut recently, but not as compulsively nor to the same extend as I used too.

I'm here again for another reason besides my own relapses SI /ED wise. (though my anorexia has been pretty consistant through out) Read more »

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Dancing Sparks Blog entry published by 7 months ago ()

So they all know

Well yesterday, my whole family found out about my ED. What a wonderful present. The intervention is coming for me, tommorrow when my mom comes in from out of state. They want to bring me to the doctors. I'm 21 now I have a right to say no. I'm not ready to really face this, for recovery or to even admit to them I have an ED. I never was. My chance was stolen away. I feel depressed and betrayed and embarrassed. I'm down to 86lbs today and I was actually going to eat, but I feel like putting everything off. Its hard now, it feels like everyone is wathing what I do. Read more »

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Dancing Sparks Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Almost 3 months

I haven't been on in a while. I recently found blades hidden away in a purse. I realized that come

FEB 1st (the day after my 21st birthday) I will be 3 months cut free.

I couldn't even imagine that before. Lately things have been more down then up though. I'm still not back with my ex. He doesn't want to be with me because of my ED, but he's still supporting me. It's at it's worst, I'm down to 88lbs and aiming lower still. It's gotten me so sick.

I had to take a leave of absense from college for my health and because of stress. I plan to work and go back in the fall, hopefully with some idea of what I want to do with my life. I'm seriously considering finding a therapist, but still unsure about that. I've been so depressed, but I'm not good with being so open with people face to face. I've been holding out this whole time on my now. The urges have been there, there were some close suicide calls, but I've been holding. I can be proud of at least that.

 

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Dancing Sparks Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

what I want

I haven't been on SI.net in a while. My ED has consumed my life. Today was just a rough day, I cut for the first ime in a while, a change from nearly everyday.

I have feelings for my ex still. He has a new girlfriend, she is..was? my friend too. I haven't known her long thou. SHe's younger, cuter, fitter, knows more about video games and working out. Sje so much...better than me. I'm a horrible person. I'm so jelous all the time. I always want to grab her by the hair and toss her to the side. She's always all over him.  Hearing her call him her boyfriend set me off today. It hurt so much. I wanted to scream. She takes ti kwan doe (spelling?) she could snap me like a twig most likely, in my sat, my ED doesn't exactly make me very strong. I'd still fight like hell if I could. Read more »

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Dancing Sparks Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Just another form of it

I haven't wrote in a while. My life has been consumed with, food, lack of food, partys, school my frioends, my lack of friends. I'm just running around alot. It had been a  really long time since I had SI'd and I broke today. I'm fasting, ending my 4th day now, and I just could stand it. I had to just to stop myself from eating. I missed it, I didn''t miss it. I love food II hate food. Thats so crazy isn't it?

Food shoping is friday. I'm gonna buy a whole bunch of low cal, high fiber crap. Mainly veggies and fruits since no one in my house likes to eat them. I just hope I'm not tempted. I want to indulge. I have potato chips and a buger and fries planned out for my reward by the end of this fast.  The fast ends sunday morning, or anytime after 12am of Saturday. I've been surviving on water, green tea and gum. I'm going out dancing saturday night and I hope I don't pass out so I'm saving coffee for that day. Read more »

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Dancing Sparks Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

So tired

My head is kinda spinny. I've fasted before, and it's onlt\y day 3, well starting day 4. I've made it to 5 before. My cravings are really bad, but the weakness is worse. I want to eat so bad. I'm so tired and cold though. I'd like to go to sleep, but I'm super wired too. Though I was SI'ing really bad recently, I just haven't had the strength too, only little scratches. I was ready to carve the hell out of my wrist today. Loosing things all day, being a burden on people. I just keep messing up. I nearly stepped out infront of a car mindlessly, but my friend yelled at me. I blamed it on being tired. I'd of felt a shit load worse had I let myself get hit. I'd feel horrible for tramatizing some poor driver. That's how damn selfish I am. To push the deed on someone else. I gotta pull myself together in front of people or they will notice and bother me about it. People have started to push food on me now too. I want to scream at them for it, but that would take too much energy too. Read more »

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Dancing Sparks Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

TWHOMA

"CRAZY" "NUT JOB" "NO"

There is an SI art fest on my arms and legs. I haven't wrote messages in a long time, I stopped because I felt like it made me a little too crazy. Especially when I don't remember writing them. To write love on her arms (TWLOHA) has it wrong, its more to write hate. Hate's on my arms. To write hate on my arms. I fucking hate myself wright now. I eat too much and I can't do anything right.

I don't even know what's wrong with me. I'm really stressed, everything feels like it's falling apart. I went up like 3 pounds so I'm fasting again for the week, this time no coffee. I'm cold as hell, I have so much crap just piling up and I can't move quick enough. Screw it all, I just don't have the energy, not even enough to sleep. I just keep going and don't get tired. Then I crash and I'll stay up for another two days. Atleast I can get alot done, I just don't know how coherent it will be.

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Dancing Sparks Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

So low I'm high

I've been walking through the days like a dream; Coffee powered. My fast has been going smoothly, 5 days strong and I am at a record low since I was like 10 years old. 93lbs...

I feel like the floor is made of toffy, and the air is filled with smoke, a thin layer just enough to shorten my breath, But I keep breathing. My brain is all foggy. My stomach is always pissed off at me. The shakes, are they from too much coffee, not enough coffee or am I breaking bown into tiny peices? Am I dissapearing? Is that what I want anymore? If I'm completely invisible, won't that make me free to do what ever I want? Or will veryone notice that I've faded out and start looking for me. But I'm floating above them all. If theylook, they would easily see, but that's so much effort. I'll stay up here then. The heights are just getting scary. Its not like I can jump back now. I shatter when I go back there. What to do?

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Dancing Sparks Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

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