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Running Blood

So it has been a very long time since I last wrote a blog on here. Things have been up and down with me so much. Things got pretty good for a while...but then got bad again. I had stopped cutting for a while....but then got back into it. I cut my wrist again. I love cutting my wrist.....I also love going in the shower and cutting my legs....and watching the blood run down..and pool in the bottom of tub. I am sorry if this is kinda graphic for people...I don't mean to be triggering for anybody. Uhh...I also did something bad. I hung myself again. This time was bad though....I was going under...i was blacking out....and struggling. and i was just barely able to pull out. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't put myself though that. hanging is just a bad way to go...if anyway to die is good. Its just not the most ideal way. I would much rather die by poisoning....carbon monoxide. Ugh....ok I will stop talking about this stuff now. I just wanted to get that out there....stuff that was weighing on my mind. The Depressed-Friend.

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Depressed_Friend Blog entry published by 11 months ago ()

I hate life but hold on for the ones I love

The last almost week I have really been hating life. i don't know what it is but I look at life and I hate it...I do not want to ba apart of it. I go to bed at night hoping that I don't wake up in the morning. And then when I do wake up nearly the first thing I think is fuck not again. My burning has gotten a lot worse.I havn't really cut in a little while. But I burn daily. I like it more right now. It actually hurts...I can really feel it. And the damage is pleasing. Seeing my skin bubble up with blisters is nice. I will be going to the doctors soon and talking to him about my prbolems. I hope I will get anti-depresants and I hope he can refer me to a good shrink. I really want this....I know I need this. I am not in control anymore. I hope it helps...as much as I want to end my life and could at any time....I still hold on to hope. And I hope that the meds and talking to a profesional will help me get off of that mind set before I really do something that will hurt the people around me. Cuz I could care less...its my friends and family and my amazing girlfriend Nikki that I am most concerned about. The Depressed_Friend

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Depressed_Friend Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Just my thoughts.

So today I bought a pack of razor blades. I was so nervous...I was with family at Walmart..and i broke away from them..and hurry found the blades and bought a new set. Nice sharp clean blades. I am anxious to use them! I keep hearing about people who draw..and paint..and write poetry when they feel like cutting. I just had the sudden urge to try and write poetry...I have never really tried it. In school yes..but not about my feelings. Not recently. I think I want to try...I think I will. I have been thinking abou toffing myself again....I jjust think of how hard life is...you have to go through so much shit just to get anywhere...I know I have said this before..and I say it again..because things just are not changing for me. I want to die....I have really been thiniing about drugs again. I really miss having my Hydrocodone..that was such an amazing pill for me....I loved getting high off of it. I know it messed me up..it really messes me up...but I loved the feeling it gave me. I really want more...I just want to get high again...so bad. Ugh I am so fucked up...LOL i can't help but laugh but its always the same thing...I always say the same...anyways...TTYL. Read more »

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Depressed_Friend Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

I need help?

My thought about suicide have not been as great as almost a week ago which is good. I still think and want to try and hang myself again...but I keep reminding myself of my baby Nikki. I did happen to break the other night after I some stuff that was triggering and i was thinking lots. I really hacked away at my upper arms. I started to cut..and it was shorter fast slices. I just kept going and going...until i ended up with 50 cuts on my left arm..and 50 cuts on my right arm. My arms look amazing. I know thats bad...but i love the way they look. I also have been cutting my wrist more...I like the way they look to. I have alos come to the conclusion that I am mental...or at least something is wrong with me. I have a good life...there is nothing really wrong....I still can't get a job..but other than that my life is good. And yet I hung myself the other day...I hack up my arms almost everyday. Thats all I can think about...is watching myself bleed..the blood running down my leg and arms under nice warm water. Whats wrong with me? Please...somebody...does anybody have any answers for me?? Read more »

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Depressed_Friend Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Attempted suicide?

Hey..so the other day after I wrote my last blog...I did the stupid thing. I tied a USB cord around my neck..and put the other end in the door jam..and kinda sat..letting the cord take most of my weight...I just wanted to see what it felt like....it was nice. I liked it. I wasn't really trying to die..but I had that in mind of course. What would you call that? Attempted suicide? I'm not sure. Can anybody tell me what they think please. So moving to Utah was supposed to help and it hasnt...I realized that it was not the place I was in..but me. I am the fucked up one..things have changed...they are better..im just not a happy person. I don't really know what to do....Im living for my amazing girl friend Nikki. She is really the only reason that I am still here. Thank you Nikki. I hope you read this. I love you baby. The Depressed_Friend

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Depressed_Friend Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Wanting to die.

Im sorry it has been so long since I last wrote. I have been really busy. Moving to Utah and gettign settled in and all. I thought that by moving this would help me not cut. But  I was wrong. I have cut a couple times since i have been here. And also my mind has been waging wars against me. I can not stop thinking about killing myself. I want to. I dont know why but the thought of offing myself is very appealing to me. If I hear about someone over dosing...or I see someone in a movie hang themself I want to do it. I get this wierd feeling in my stomach...and I just want to die. I know I can't though....I can not leave my girlfriend Nikki. I can't even imagine what that would do to her....I feel so bad just thinking about wanting to die when I have her. Last night I cut my foot...my wrist..and my upper arm. I also cut "alone" in my arm. Read more »

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Depressed_Friend Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Pencil sharpener...

So I gave up my razor the other day. I have been carying it in my waller wraped up in tissue..and my friend found out and she wanted me to give it to her....and I did..it was really hard..but I did. Right after I wanted to slit my writs so bad...they were aching to be slashed. It was really wierd...The next day I was cleanign out some boxes..just transfering my shit into other boxes. When I suddenly looked over and saw a pencil sharpener....It stuck me so hard....i had reached over first..and then turned my head to see what i was about to pick up...and what I say made me stop in my tracks. The feeling was so wierd...I gasped..and I was like..shit. Does anybody else know what I am talking about? Anyways....I ended up unscrewing the blade..and putting it in my wallet...i have yet to cut...but I now have that chance again. :( The upside is that I am moving to Utah...technically tomorrow since i am writing this saturday morning. Im so nervous...sad..happy...I am leaving behind my friends..and new girl friend. Though my gf lives 3 hours away and we have never actually meet in person I am really sad. Read more »

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Depressed_Friend Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Getting out

So it has been a little while. A few things have happened. I am moving to Utah in 5 days. I am finally getting out of this place..this place that holds all these dark secrets. I am really excited to be leaving. I had my doc appointment yesterday...it was ok...a few of the people there saw my scars and my doc actually asked about them.  I have been cutting more..but only telling one friend because I am tired of my others being dissapointed in me :( I finally cut my foot...that was different...I like it..but i really want to cut my wrist again..and then higher up as well. I just...I am ready for a new life where nobody knows my secrets..nobody can judge me. I am  happy. The Depressed_Friend

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Depressed_Friend Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Doing something with my life and a crush <3

Hello everybody. So I am doing ok I guess. I don't cut as often...but thats because I have that doctors appointment coming up..and I am trying to have a clean slate..or no fresh cuts on my upper body. I keep thinking to myself though that once that is over i am going to lay a few good cuts on my arm...I am so anxtious for it. I want it so bad. I know thats bad and I know i will hurt my friends..but I want this so bad. I should hopefullly be leaving for Utah soon so it wont really matter because then my friends wont have to deal with me as much. Ill still talk to them..but it will be different. Im not really sure though what to do...I want to go to Utah..but I love everybody here. They all support me and want the best for me. Nobody has abandoned me. That shows me that I am loved and people do care. I don't want to leave these people. But then I need to leave...Utah is best for me...IIll be away from my parents and sister...and I will be able to work...start a new life. Ill be sad....but I think I need this. Honestly...I am really scared. I want to stay so bad. Read more »

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Depressed_Friend Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Friends...losses...cutting bad....idk....

So its been a while since i lasted posted soemthing. But I thought today would be a good time. So I have not cut in probably 2 or so weeks...and that has been good. But yesterday i finally cracked. I cut in the shower..and it was bad. I cut my wrist and leg..but my leg just kept bleeding and wouldnt stop. and finally i got it so sttle down and i got dressed. But later that night it had oppened up again and it started to soak through my pants just a little bit. I am also hurting so many people now. So many of my friends know I cut and they all want me to stop. And just..UGH! FUCK!!!! I want to scream cuz I completely lost my cousin...I am raelly sad about that. I told her to fuck off and I said thanks for nothing..when she was there for me all the way when I was doing drugs and helped me with cutting a bit. But i guess everything happens for a reason. :( still sad though. Well I am tired..i guess ill try and post more again. Keep yall updated. The Depressed_Friend

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Depressed_Friend Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

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