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I want to die. But I am afraid to.

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I am not sure how much more I can take. I am just getting so tired of it all. I have a strange attraction to wanting to hang myself. But if I was to kill myself I would not do it that way. I do NOT want anybody to find me helplesly hanging there. I have the thought of my mom finding me…I nearly cry when I think of it. I think a better way would be to OD. I have also thought about just completly recking our car and hopefully dieing. I'm not  sure how else i would do it. Just some kind of sufocation….I just…FUCK!!!!!!!!!! I feel alone…forgoten…I feel like people are abandoning me. I feel like everything is against me. I can't get a job….I can't do anything. I am jsut a waste of space. Waste of life. Taking from the world and not giving anything back. It would be better to be dead. Then I could finally give back to the world. Rotting slowly away decomposing letting the bugs and the earth reclaim me. I want to die…..so why don't I just kill myself. Whats stoping me? I guess…I am afraid of what I might miss. I am afraid of how it will affect my friends and family. And I am afraid of actually doing it. I guess I havn't gotten to the full breaking point yet. I hope it doesn't come. I guess we will see.

The Depressed_Friend

1 Comment

Every reason you've given yourself for NOT committing suicide are completely valid. Trust me, death is NEVER pretty. Overdose? You are going to be convulsing, vomiting and frothing at the mouth as your vital organs shut down painfully. Hanging yourself? If you are lucky, you will be instantly paralyzed and then suffer without the capability of fighting the inevitable. If you are unlucky, your neck will survive the drop and you will suffocate slowly. Intentional car accident? You are likely to wake up in a hospital bed with permanent disability and disfigurement if you don't die alone hemmorhaging internally in a cage of twisted metal.

That is just how death is. I can assure you that NO ONE thinks as poorly of you as yourself. You have to remember that these bouts of depression, even untreated, almost always wane after time and light is again visible. You are not worthless. You are not devoid of a future. You need help, and I encourage you to candidly vocalize these problems to your parents and/or a professional. There isn't a person on earth that wants you to die. It would break the hearts of everyone around you. Just remember that suicide ISN'T the easy way out. It is so much less painful to seek help and actually recover and gain incentive to live on your own accord. You would miss out on a great life (that can start improving right now!) if you did something drastic and ended your life.

Please just take into perspective the truth about depression, even of this severity. It CAN, DOES and WILL get better. I am incredibly unhappy with my life and myself right now as well, and I battle thoughts of ending it every day. You just have to keep fighting on and working towards your recovery. I have reached the stage where I don't plan self-destruction, rather my plans for the future revolve around fixing this illness. I encourage you to adopt this mindset. You are a valuable and unique person and you have so much potential.

Please just remember that there IS hope! People love you and care about you, and I know that if you really try to take steps to heal, you will be happy and successful.