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For 24 years I found ways to destroy my temple. Razors were my emotions. Feelings. In SI, I had a voice. I was in conrol of my pain. No one conttolled me. The anger, sadness, melancholoy, anguish, despair,shame,guilt,isolation, had no faces, I could not give them one. Now I carry sheets of papers, journals, dictionaries to ascribe words to those emotions, and I came here. I didn't post, because I didn't have my voice until recently> I just lurked in a corner, in silence, but this website gave me a voice and the courage to see that I wasn't alone anymore, that people from all walks of life like me felt these and many other things we all have yet to give words and voices to.
 

I decided to seek outside help along the way. I had to trust someone, it was the only way for me. Someone other than my trusty xacto cleverly disguised among my other xacto knives in my art case I carried religiously with me from place to place in times where I needed just to release, feel, cope, hell anything in that one moment.

I am a survivor of many abuses. Mental, physical, sexual. This is how I got through it all. I admire the many men and women I have read since I have been a member on here, and I am glad that I held on and have finally found my voice and courage to speak up.

I'm coming up on my anniversary soon. I am frightened, nervous, and excited simultaneously. Just as I was in control of my own pain, I now am in control of it's surrender. Daily. In the moment sometimes, and this is a hard path to walk. Sometimes I get angry. cry, I scream, swear, punch pillows, shake, because I desperately crave the warm red familiar flow of relief, but I let my emotions out in other ways now.

I would never say the other way is wrong, it was my nirvana. The only place I felt human. Peace. Serenity.

On the 7th it will be two years according to my calendar. I thought it was three, but found the calendar I wrote the date on. But hey, now I know for sure......

Am I at peace? Sometimes.

Things are different, that much I can say for sure.....