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Got through it
Printer-friendly versionI got through it. I officiated at two freinds' wedding on Saturday. The ceremony was very nice. It is strange because I have been living in order to get to that day. Now I have an obligation in July that I have to live for. It is weird to have to set these mini-goals for myself in order not to commit suicide.
I am still getting bills from the hospital from my suicide attempt last fall. It sucks that if you live you have to pay for the ambulance, doctors, therapy, hospital stays and all that. I think I am glad I lived but somedays I don't know. I was out on a ship the other day and I had this impulse to jump over the side into the ocean. The only thing that kept me from doing it is that it wasn't that far to fall and I knew I wouldn't drown before they pulled me out. I was on a balcony earlier that week and nearly jumped, but again I was afraid I would live and get sent back to the hospital. I am depressed but have enough energy to be suicidal. That is a bad place for me.
I am going to see my therapist tomorrow and my doctor Tuesday. I will be honest with them, but my therapist just kind of looks at me and goes "You're a mystery...I don't know what's wrong with you." I think my psychiatrist feels the same.
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I'd take being called a
11 months () (Permalink)I'd take being called a "mystery" as a compliment :) There's nothing wrong with you, they simply don't understand very well. Those mini-goals you set for yourself sound like a good idea. Hopefully one day you won't need them as incentive to remain alive.
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