I see that people have read these blog posts. Its hard to believe, though. Like, why is what I have to say worth reading?

My dad says that we're going to lose the house. Its funny- the other day I was thinking, "Hmm, I moved in 6th grade, my mom tried to kill herself in 8th, I moved out of my dad's house in 9th, we moved twice in 10th grade..." silly me for thinking that something wouldn't happen in 11th grade. And naturally as I'm trying to make my school life better.

I'm taking a college class every Tuesday after school, and a music engineering/songwriting class every Monday. They both last until December, and I'm definitely signing up for more afterwards. The sooner I get my grades better, the sooner I can feel confident about college. And the sooner I go to college, the sooner I can leave my parents house.

I stole a pencil sharpener yesterday. It was sitting on the desk and when no one took it, I did. I don't know whose it was or if they needed it but I keep trying to get the screw out so I can get the blade. This is the second time i've stolen one. The first time was from a Michael's Arts and Craft's store about a year ago. (A year? Less? Maybe? I'll check back in my older blog posts.) Read more »

I started school yesterday. I was glad to be back, because I missed all my friends. I'm in 11th grade now, but I don't feel as old or mature as Junior sounds.

I was doing good. I went to Florida to visit my grandparents this summer, and I felt almost happy. I didn't want to cut, even though I brought my razor with me in case. And then the second week I was there, we were at a gathering, and I was surrounded by a lot of people I didn't know, who wanted to talk to me and were just so loud.... I got overwhelmed, so I went into the bathroom and cut. Then, the next Friday. Then, that Monday, I came back to Connecticut.

I hadn't cut since. I came back on the 20th, and its the 31st. I went 13 days without cutting. But in the last week, I found out that both my parents -who are still legally married- are on dating sites. My mom has been talking to whoever Will is and Howie and Edward. I literally just paused writing this to find her account on the dating site, since I saw it on her phone when I went to check my e-mail. I found it. And I found my days. Read more »

My dad's been an alcoholic since he was like, eighteen. Now, my mother is becoming one too. For the second night in a row, she's drunken herself stupid. And I don't know what to do, because I'm worried sick about her, but at the same time I know that she's NOT my responsibility.

In March of 2011, my mom moved out of my dad's house and took me and my three younger brothers with her. The next year could only be described as "hell." NOW my brilliant parents have decided to put us all through hell AGAIN so my dear old mother can move back into the same house as the man who cheated on her for twenty years.

I can't deal with this. I've never been so tempted to finish off my medicine bottle or cut just a little deeper.  But I can't EVEN cut because my blade is at home in my dresser drawer. I just wish this all would end. So here I am, typing up a blog I bet no one will read at 2:43 in the morning... wishing that some freak accident would just end this all so I don't have to do it myself. Read more »

So, after 8 months of not being on this website, I realize how much I miss it. Reading about how other people go through the same things that you do. Figuring out that maybe- just maybe- there's hope laying somewhere where you'd least expect it. I think I've lost that hope.

I went a long time without cutting. Maybe three or four months. But about 2 months ago, I cracked. Then, the week after that. Then, two weeks after that. Then, two Friday's ago and last Friday. Its a Thursday - May 24th, 2012- and I went deep. Not deep enough to sever the vein completely, but I wished. The scars are dark brown instead of light brown, like they usually are.

I feel horrible because when my friends see them, they get so upset. My friend, Emily, almost cried and I felt like a complete a-hole for doing that to her. I don't know how to keep myself from wanting to cut. I actually think about what would happen if I jumped into the middle of the street, and that scares me. Or how much it would hurt if I "accidently" stabbed my hand with a steak knife.

What also scares me is how many people in my school are self-injurers. Emily and I named thirteen people. NOT including ourselves. And its amazing, because you never would believe some of the people who do actually do. Read more »