Breadcrumbs:
Expose Myself?
Printer-friendly version
I haven't been to this site in a while. Lately my mother lingers longer and more frequently, that leads me to be more secretive, more cautious, I don't want her to see that I am on this site, because this, too, she will attempt to take away.
Anyways, the pool near our house is open. Long before it was open I was busy dreading the day it would be. During the summer, near pools, when the sun is blasting rays, the people are wearing bikinis and shorts. Both of which are prohibited in my world. Nobody wants to see scarred thighs and wrists, I shouldn't say "nobody," because I do. That's all my eyes search for in pictures of friends and those who walk by me. Searching for evidence of self-injury in others is my dedication, especially now during the summer. No one would have to look far to find mine. My scars and cuts are obvoius, extremely so, and to jump into a pool filled with people and judging minds would be suicide - the down side: I don't get to die. But my mother continues to insist that I go with her and my siblings to the pool. She knows my body is scarred, why must I show it to the rest of the world? She just doesn't understand; thank goodness I don't expect her to.
Summer, how dreadful you are.
Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()
Comments
I know the feeling...
2 months () (Permalink)I know what you're going through. Though I haven't been cutting for too long, I understand the fear of others seing my scars. Only my closest friends have. I hope eventually I'll be strong enough to wear a short sleeved shirt and shorts. I wear a bunch of bracelets on my wrists to cover the ones there, though the cuts and scars go up to my elbow.
Stay strong <3
Comment Links:
You will eventually gather
2 months () (Permalink)You will eventually gather the confidence to wear shorts and short sleeves, it gets easier, especially if you have the support of others (like your close friends). Right now I wear a huge, thick bracelet to cover mine, but lately I just want to tear if off and not care whether people see them.
Be well :)
Comment Links:
I know how it feels but
2 months () (Permalink)I know how it feels but somehow I've been able to conquer it.
I used to be shy about my scars and would wear cover-ups in public pools and beaches. But then I've realized "who are they anyway?" I've learned to show my scars like battle medals and I've been able to build confidence as if my scars has nothing to do with how I look.
I remember when we first used our inground pool, I walked wearing 2-piece swimsuit and everybody was in awe, I don't know what they were thinking and I don't care.
Comment Links:
I look forward to the day
2 months () (Permalink)I look forward to the day when I am able to walk freely, without having to feel a mess, and not care about what people think when they see my scars. You are so brave. I did eventually go to the pool, many times, actually, but always fearful. Hopefully this summer I will no longer experience the same fear.
I hope you are doing well :)
Comment Links:
Girls swim shorts
1 year () (Permalink)More and more frequently I've seen swim shorts for girls. These are great for me because most of my scars are on my upper thighs...so they look pretty cute and cover what needs to be covered.
Also, remember! Once you get in the water, scars are pretty hard to see. Nobody is looking down through the water at your thighs, trust me.
It took me about five years to get the courage to go swimming again once I started self injuring. It's completely freeing. Don't let it run your life, take charge of it and you'll see how great it feels.
=]
Good luck and be safe <3
-Jes
Comment Links:
Thank you :) I went swimming
1 year () (Permalink)Thank you :) I went swimming several times after this, and did enjoy my time (most of it...). I wore shorts and a tank top, which thankfully covered enough. You're right, people will not typically search for scars under water, I have to keep reminding myself. Thanks for your comment :)
Comment Links:
I just went to a pool party.
1 year () (Permalink)I just went to a pool party. I was really scared about showing anything, but I just didn't want to let my SI control my life so much, so while I was wearing shorts & shirt over the top of my bathing costume I eventually took them off, and while I'm sure people were staring, I just got on with enjoying myself and had a lot of fun in the end.
Comment Links:
I truly admire your courage!
1 year () (Permalink)I truly admire your courage! I would not be able to enjoy myself while knowing a bunch of eyes were staring at me, maybe some day in the future I'll gain that strength I long to have. I'm happy that you were able to have fun :)
Comment Links:
I've had the same problem. My
1 year () (Permalink)I've had the same problem. My thighs are scarred. I just wear guy's swimming trunks, they go down to my knees, which thankfully is farther than I need them to go. I don't know if your scars go farther than that or not, but that's been my swimming atire for a few years now. I don't know what to do about your wrists, but my friends who used to cut used to wear about 30 sex bracelets to cover theirs. I hate calling them "sex bracelets" because that's not what my friends and I wore them for. We used them to cover cuts and scars, yet the boys thought differently and tried to break them, so you need to be careful wearing them around perverted guys. But that's just a suggestion.
"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." ~1 Peter 5:7
Comment Links:
Swimming trunks would work
1 year () (Permalink)Swimming trunks would work for me. My scars don't go down past my knees. What worries me is that they might rise or even fall, but I'm sure I'm over-worrying. I really do want to go into the pool...I will this week and take your advice and wear trunks. As for the bracelets, I wear a whole bunch on my wrist; all of which I've made out of yarn. I might have to get some more soon, but for now those are enough. Thank you for your feedback BrokenDreams :)
Comment Links:
Post new comment