In the last week, I have:
-had to hear my friend pretend to be a therapist,
-passed out at the sight of my blood (ironic? yes, I think so, too.) and hit my head on the way down
-been admitted to the hospital for two days
-told that the guy I like KNOWS I like him
-told I have a concussion
-been banned from all things electronic (yet here I am, writing this.)
-almost passed out again in Toys R Us due to weak knees and dizziness
-be told I need a therapist and psycoligist.
Some week, huh? Yeah, it hasn't been fun. It hasn't even been a week- I passed out last Saturday, and Friday my friend played dress-up and asked me how I feel about my parents' divorce. Seriously- I love her to death, she's the sister I never had, but honestly: she's a little (ok A LOT) boy obsessed and seems like she relates everything to some past experience with some guy. Which is awkward, considering she liked my brother, who's 19 months younger than me. She's a month older than me.
So, last Saturday, while I was getting a CT Scan, and being told I have to get an MRI, and interesting conversation went down where the grass is greener. The guy that I like (the one mentioned in first blog (posted last Thursday))has a brother, who is the older brother I've always wanted, and the dad I could talk to about anything that I never had. He and my friend (the one who thinks she's a therapist. She's Allie. The guy I like is Marcus, and his brother is Mike.) were at a party, and she starts asking him what Marcus thinks about me liking him. It makes me scared to think that I made it obvious that I like him, because I NEVER like guys, and when I do, I freak out... a lot. Mike says that he "doesn't mind it... he doesn't dislike it..." and that he's flattered, which is "safe to say," because he knew Allie would tell me everything.
He was correct, and was probably smart to think that. When I saw him yesterday, I forced him to tell me more. Mike says that he respects me, and will never feel awkward by the fact that I like him. Its a small victory, but it makes me question a lot of things I think about myself. Like, if he respects me, why can't I find the self-confidence and self-respect to make me feel less of a lost cause? I feel so horrible about myself, and I can't figure out how to stop it. I guess that's why the social worker at the hospital claims I need a therapist.
I'm probably not writing these blogs the right way. I shouldn't be talking about boys- but I've figured out that when I think about him, it makes me want to be better for him, even though I seriously doubt anything is ever going to happen, and I shouldn't make myself better because of him. Its just motivation. Maybe I'll be good enough.
I have to go- Mom is making me get off the computer. Stay strong, readers<3