I found a book the other day which you made me the day I was born. I found a card addressed to my Mum:
‘Dear New Mummy, Thanks for making me the happiest man in the world. I have the two most special girls in the world. Thanks for my beautiful daughter. I love you both, my two gorgeous girls. x’
I cried. I don’t know the man who wrote that card, although I spent most of my childhood wishing I did. Instead I knew the man you became.
I only knew you as the man who abused my Mum. The man who told me I was ugly. The man who told me I was no longer his daughter. The man who drunk himself into nothingness everynight. The man who made me dread visiting him..
The day you finally left us was the day before I started school. I bet you don’t remember that. I bet you don’t remember seeing me sat at the top of the stairs as you held my Mum up against the hallway wall by her neck threatening to kill her before walking out the door. Do you remember life before you walked out on your ‘two gorgeous girls’ and my gorgeous little sister. I know people change and I know relationships fall apart but I also know now how little you cared about us.
Did you know I have one memory of you whilst you lived with us? It was Christmas morning and I was 4. I ran into your bedroom and woke you up. You ignored me. Mum took us both downstairs and all we could hear was you being sick upstairs. I felt sorry for Daddy because he was sick on Christmas. But no, Daddy was hungover.. again.
So you left. I was 4. My sister was 2. You cleared the bank accounts. Left my Mum without even enough money for a solicitor. She had to borrow money off my amazing Grandparents to go through with the divorce you filed. I had to stop dancing. Until my Grandparents lent us the money to pay for it. We had to sell the car. My Mum couldn’t pay the mortgage. But hey, not your problem anymore!
Do you remember your second wedding day? Do you remember seeing your two gorgeous daughters there smiling at you? No? Thats beacuse you didnt invite us. Or tell us until two months later, despite the fact at the time we saw you (or rather sat at home at your new house whilst you went to the pub) once a week. But its fine I got over that.
Do you know even when you were at home and we visited how much I dreaded it. I dont enjoy being told I am ugly, fat, a waste of space. I didn’t enjoy everything else you did either..
Did you know Daddy that every sunday night (until I was 8 and you decided you no longer wanted us as part of your life) you sent us home to a Mum you had sent over the top. I guess being abused for so long made her unwilling to trust. She had to be the most powerful one. Mum always had to be in control. Do you know how many times I watched her punch my step dad or push him down the stairs or stab him? Do you know how many times I refused to go to sleep scared I wouldn’t wake up again? No. Sorry, of course not.
And I dont need to ask these questions. I know the answers. Did you recognise me when I crossed you in the street the other day? Did you think of me when you told me you would drop my 16th Birthday present around at the weekend and I am still waiting? Do you think of me on my birthday or christmas because in the last 18 months I haven’t recieved a card? Do you even know when my birthday is? Did you realise I dont even know your address? All I know from my Grandmother is that it is a 15 minute walk from mine. Have you ever visited? Hmmmm..
And you definitely dont know this. Everytime I think of you and all the pain you caused I slice my skin open? Its all I can do to try and reduce the hurt inside of me? Thought not.
Lots of Love your ‘gorgeous Girl’. x