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Lyssa's Blog

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Hello, I'm back.

Kinda. It's been like 5 months since I've been on here. I don't really know why I decided to get on tonight.

But I'd like to inform you all that I just celebrated my 7 months free. While I still struggle with stuff my life has really gone uphill.

Have hope. I love you all<3

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Lyssa Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Letters 3

Dear Sarah,

This won't be long. Don't worry. You hurt me. So much. Do you know that? I doubt it. Do you care? I doubt it.

Buuuut. I wouldn't expect you to care. You seem good at that.

I hope you know you've lost me. I hope you know that you can never come back to me. I should have never even started with you. I should have given up a long time ago.

I don't have much to say to you. It all pretty much comes down to this one thing:

I'm done. No more. You hurt me, you blew me off, you threw me away. So. Have a nice life. Because I'm planning on NOT barging into it too much anymore. See ya.

-Alyssa.

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Lyssa Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Letters 2

This letter is to Kara. I would not be a Christian if it wasn't for her. She's the best friend, who knows barely anything about me.

  Read more »

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Lyssa Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Letters

I'm not sure how I am. I used to know to answer "good" knowing inside that the answer was in fact quite the opposite. A lot time ago I knew to answer "great" without a second thought because it was true.

But at the moment, I'm not really sure. In 10 days I'll be at my 4 month mark.

Hm.

Well, anyway. I'm attempting to slowly change.....move on. So one way I'm going to do this is by directly addressing the people that, I believe, have made me me in the past year and a half or so. 2 years. Whatever. Then I'm going to write another letter. But. That's later.

I'll be writing these letters to 3 people at the moment.

Emily-Kara-Sarah.

If I think of someone else later who needs one, I will do them too. But. I'm not going to do all 3 tonight. I'm gonig to start with Emily. I'm doing this because stuff like this helps me organize my thoughts. And maybe someday.....I can even tell them this. I don't know. But I'm gonna start now. So. Here I go- Read more »

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Lyssa Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Changes

Ok. So. I'm home. Finally, for the summer.

II went to camp. And camp is the kinda place where you think. And you are lost in this perfect bubble for a while. It's amazing.

So. I'm almost a Freshman. Whilst on vacation I reached my 3 month mark. Tomorrow I'll be 3 months and a week, in fact. Haha. It's 11:53. So I guess it's 7 minutes. Lol.

But anyway. 3 months. The farther away I get from that day, the less I need it. I don't need it. I see that now. I don't need to hurt myself. There's already too much hurt in this life, this world.....why add more? It didn't help me. It broke me down further. It tore me apart. It ate me up.

It made me hate myself. Read more »

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Lyssa Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Back

Ok, so I'm back from camp. I have a lot I need to write down. But it's still going through my mind.  So I'm gonna wait until....

1. I have WAY more time.

2. I have it WAY more figured out.

But camp was really great, and I had a lot of fun. I'm now off to Colorado with my family for vacation. I'm excited, but worried about being with my family for so long. But we have other family and friends in Colorado so hopefully I won't be stuck with only them the whole time. Anyway, just stopped to check in, let you know I'm ok, and where I've been. I'll be back around the 14th. I hope your all having great summers.....stay strong.....and happy 4th of July!

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Lyssa Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Telling.

Ok. I know I've posted a bunch of nights in a row, but seriously.....I love this. It really helps me get my thoughts in order and stuff. Annnnd, it's not like you HAVE to read it. Hah.

Ok. So I told someone tonight. Emily. Now, if you've read any of my other posts, I'm sure you've seen her name before. I guess I haven't really explained our little story. I will. Someday. But not tonight.

For tonight just know: Me and Emily are iffy.

But. Things happen, and I ended up telling her tonight. Accctually, I'm kinda in the MIDDLE of telling her, at the moment. Over Facebook. Awesome. :-/

But yeah. I don't know whyyyy I told her. I'm stupid.

But I did, and there's no changing that. So what did I get out of it? Absoloutely nothing.

She cared, but not a LOT. She didn't walk away though. Mostly she was no help at all. Very in the middle. NOT what I wanted.

I wanted her to...

1. Freak out. Just totally freak out and ask questions and make sure I was alright and show me she IS true, and it was SO worth telling her and that she HAS changed. Read more »

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Lyssa Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

So Scared.

One of the only things I want to do right now is relapse. I just want to cut myself up, cry my eyes out, and fall into the darkness. Thats ALL I want to do.

Why? I don't know. Stupid, stupid reasons. But this whole ordeal is stupid, but it's happening. So I have to deal with it right? Right.

Well, it's kind of this weird thing. Like, ok. I want SO badly to cut. So, so, so, so badly. But then....I don't. The one and only reason I don't want to is because I'm attempting to stay strong. And NOT push myself into beginning the count again. Because I've made it 2 whole months. Crazy, but true. And the last thing I want to do is start at zero, just for one cut. I'm also scared that if I start again I won't be able to STOP. So. I don't know.

But I also know that the need can be very overpowering. It can take over if I think about it too much. So what do I do? Simple: Don't think. If I can keep my brain, and self busy, maybe I can make it.

So here's the plan:

This weekend: Focus on getting contacts, church, packing, and 4-H. Read more »

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Lyssa Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Figuring It Out

Trying to figure things out is something I think a lot about. I don't know. Because everything changes. And it changes slow or fast, or obviously or just a little bit. Thats what I've learned this year.

Now that I'm done with 8th grade I'm looking back, trying to get SOMETHING out of this year. This year was so long. Like, looking back on it it seems long, but it felt short. You know?

Lets see. I guess if I'm gonna figure out this year I'm gonna need to take it step by step.

So, a good place to start would be the beginning.

Last summer was pretty fun. I remember that when I started school I was kinda scared. I was scared cause I honestly wasn't sure what group I'd be hanging out with. But uh, to be honest with you the first couple months are a blur, and then ONLY clear memories I have are marching band. Lol. It was pretty much my life. And it was amazing. Um, so the first couple months were good I guess. Oh!! On major thing did happen in Augustish. I told one of my friends about cutting. But that blew over pretty quick. Read more »

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Lyssa Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Pathetic.

The other day I went swimming with my 2 friends. And I don't know what we were talking about. But they kept saying how I had like, the perfect body. I was so skinny, especially my stomach.

Hm. Well did you know thats because I'm slowly not eating? NOT anerexia. Far from it, actually. But I generally make sure I skip at least a meal a day, usually breakfast. And I barely eat lunch. Unless I have JUST eaten, I am now hungry almost all the time. And when I do eat a lot I feel gross and fat and pathetic for relying on food.

Ugh. What am I becoming? Who AM I? Read more »

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Lyssa Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

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