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Confused
Printer-friendly versionI honestly don't know anything anymore. I want to kill myself, but there's no way I'd have the guts. Plus I still have that small hope that someone DOES care. I want everyone to leave me alone, but at the same time I wish they would realize the battle I'm having within myself. I want to pretend it's ok and lie to myself, but sometimes I just CAN'T hide it. Sometimes I want to tell someone, but then even I have a few blessed seconds where I forget. One night I want to fall to my knees and ask God to help, but most nights I just cry and cry.
I don't know. I don't know......I know that....
1. I don't have as much joy for things as I used too.
2. I cry. A lot. About nothing to say the least.
3. I get cut deep by the smallest things.
4. I always want to be hurting myself. Always.
5. This is a bajillion times harder then anyone, ANYONE knows.
6. God I want summer.
And 7. I don't know why I have suicidal thoughts, why I feel depressed, why I nightly cry myself to sleep, why some days are good and some are bad. I have nothing to complain about, because I lead the perfect life. Even my "big" problems......aren't that big. And I hate myself for that. I hate myself. There. Huh. I said it. But that doesn't make me feel any better. At all. Because I hate myself for that, and these thoughts. I don't......hate myself exactly. I hate.....what I do, what I say, who I am. Ok so I basically hate myself. I hate the way that no matter what there's always someone who can do it better. That I'm just never good enough for anyone, espacially myself. That my little brother is pretty much the devil. That I'm an awful Christian with a whole family headed to Hell cause I can't save them cause I'm a whimp. I hate how bad I am at this whole friendship thing. I hate how if I talk I'm annoying, but if I don't I come off as sad. I hate how I get loud at the worst times. I hate my sensitive skin. I hate how IF I sing I'm always off key. I hate how THE LITTLEST thing can cut me wide open. I hate how I'm too much of a sissy to break any rules. I hate how I have glasses. I hate my teeth. I hate my shyness. My laziness. My fearfullness. The way I cry about everything under the sun. The way I can lose a friend....JUST. LIKE. THAT. And it's probably all my fault, but it's over my head now. I hate how I bother people and inturrupt others. I hate how thoughtful and observant and written in words I am. I hate how no boy would ever look twice at me. I hate how I'm too smart. I hate how I'm only smart when I don't need to be. I hate myself and almost everything about me. I suck.
But even after I think about all this, I have no answer as to why I SI and think of suicide and such. And honestly thats all I really want......
is an answer.
Blog entry published by 2 years ago ()
Comments
i understand
2 years () (Permalink)i understand Lyssa. when i was 9 i started having panic attacks because i cried over nothing. i still do sometimes. it's sooo confusing and the answers seem impossible to find. i cut myself, i burn sometimes, and am always wanting to hurt myself. just like you. ive hated myself for years because of the way i am. but im learning that it's not my fault. i have depression. this is a part of it that we just have to control.im not saying that u have clinical depression, it's not my place to say, but obviously there is something wrong, am i right? i hope u can come to terms with whatever it is and eventually you WILL learn to handle it. im still not there yet but it takes time. have faith and i'll pray for you.
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Thanks
2 years () (Permalink)Thats so scary. I guess I kinda understand. Like it's not very extreme. But I'll be like, sitting in class and see my ex-best friend talking to another girl or something so small and it'll just SET ME OFF and I'll want to just bawl. I don't know what I have. I'm not planning on finding out anytime soon because there's no way I'm telling a soul, no matter how much I want to. But yeah...there is something wrong. Thank you, I hope I will. I mean.....someday I'll have too. Yes, praying.....that makes me feel great. I'll pray for you also.
Guess I'd rather hurt then feel nothing at all. <3
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I don't know.
2 years () (Permalink)Yeah, I don't know what it is. Depression or whatever. Who knows. Thanks. I'm 14, so thats about the same age. I guess....I guess.....deep down I KNOW there are people who care, which is what keeps me from really hurting myself, but the bad stuff overpowers the good stuff so much that it's just hard to keep that in mind.
Guess I'd rather hurt then feel nothing at all. <3
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People do care. It
2 years () (Permalink)People do care. It might seem hopeless but depression (or something better left for somebody with official training to figure out) is behind that internal voice telling you that nobody cares, that you feel you're not good enough, that you want to kill yourself, that you want to hurt yourself, that you're crying over things you wouldn't have cried at before, that you just don't like who you are.
I was eleven when I started getting sad. Crying. It wasn't until I was fourteen or fifteen when I started hating myself, when I felt my family did not care about me, that I didn't measure up to the standards I (and, I felt, others) had set out. Then fifteen and self-injury and suicidal thoughts started. They said I had depression.
There are answers out there... and people in your life do care.
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