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Slip and Fall

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Thats what I'm afraid of. I don't know about anyone else, but......it seems like whenever there's a moment of non-thinking silence cutting creeps up into my mind. 

I don't even know what I think about it. Just.....it. If I could do it again. I want to kinda. I'm wishing I had never noticed my month anniversary. Oh well, I guess. I think I'd still be thinking about it. 

I guess.....that I don't know. I never know.

I know that people are changing. That not all friends are true. That everyone has at least 2 sides, if not more. That there are very few people who can really make me happy. That, no matter how fun, everything turns into a disappointment lately. That I'll NEVER be good enough, and that I can't stop making mistakes.

Suddenly I can't cry. I used to be full of tears. But now.....I just feel the need to cry for really no reason and I can't. It's making me crazy. I want to cry! Crying heals me for a while. It helps.

I'm kinda confused. As to what people want from me, you know? I'm struggling with the fact that no one's the same and that people.....we.....are growing up. It's hard for me for some reason.

Sometimes I think it'd be easier if I told someone. Because I know that if I told someone......espacially the right person they would be in shock. And that, that would make me fall apart.

Because thats how I feel you know? I feel like, even though there was that LAST cut.....it never REALLY ended. You know? Like, I still feel like I could do it without really hurting anyone and it would be ok. Yeah I'd be disappointed to have to start counting again.....but maybe just maybe it'd be worth it. 

But I know that if I told someone I could cry and fall apart and totally have a meltdown. And then I could get back up again. But right now I'm kinda half way up and half way down and I don't know weather to fall or stand. I know it's be easier to fall......just slip and fall. And standing sounds so scary and hard and I'm not even sure what that means. 

But. You know. I'm doing ok. I don't want to kill it.

Then I get really scared to tell someone. Like, really scared. I wouldn't know how or who or anything. It scares me so bad, and I the very last thing I want is for someone to think I'm doing it for attention......which might happen if I just randomly say it. I don't know. 

I can't tell. But I want too......

I'm so tired I need to go to bed. I guess I'll just keep thinking and hiding and keeping it inside.

We'll see what happens.

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Lyssa Blog entry published by 2 years ago ()

Comments

Lyssa Lyssa

Thankkkks

1 year () (Permalink)

Hah. It is SO easy. I've always been able to hide things from my parents. I'm the perfect child. I mean, you know what I mean? If I told them.....it would the BIGGEST shock to them ever. I mean, they....I don't think they'd KNOW what to do. Because I've never been a problem. I get good grades, run with a good crowd, I'm good and social and smart. I'd never be able to tell them. If I hide the scars in places they don't see it's easy. 

 

And thanks. :) No one's ever really told me that. Haha

Guess I'd rather hurt then feel nothing at all. <3

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alice_cherryrose alice_cherryrose

idk wat my parents would think....

1 year () (Permalink)

...

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alice_cherryrose alice_cherryrose

how can u hide it from ur

1 year () (Permalink)

how can u hide it from ur parents... for so long? 

 

 

 

p.s.... ur  a REALLY good writer.

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Lyssa Lyssa

Writing does really help. I

2 years () (Permalink)

Writing does really help. I could never tell my parents.....and I don't have a boyfriend. If I told anyone it would be a friend. I don't know. I'm just really really scared as to who. Because I name off a bunch of people who I say I trust. But hardly one that I trust enough for THIS. I don't know. Thank you for that though, I'm glad to know that if I get the courage it WILL be worth it.

Guess I'd rather hurt then feel nothing at all. <3

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ashtraylips ashtraylips

I empathize completely for

2 years () (Permalink)

I empathize completely for almost everything you have said here. The best thing you can do is keep trying - writing it down can be a good form of catharsis for many people. But you should find someone you can trust enough to tell. It doesn't have to be a parent or a boyfriend. If you just find a friend who has their own struggles and trusts you enough to confide in you, then you can decide if you can trust them to confide in, too. It's so hard to open up to someone, I know. But I have told someone in my life, and you have to make an extreme effort to keep that wound open before you can let it heal. 

It is so worth it. 

 

Keep counting. 

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