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Just a Note

Don't talk about cutting yourself, and then changeyour mind. If you're going to do it, do it and don't talk about it.

We all know you are wanting unhealthy attention.

Figure it out


madi_learning93 Blog entry published by 9 months ago ()

Dead Memories.

Started the cutting cycle again. And I'm not going to lie, it has made me feel alot better. I start counselling too.. 

I've been more short-tempered lately. I had to leave school today because I almost got in a fight. I don't put up with people's shit. 

My anger literally scares me, not the people I deal with, but the anger they can release from me. That scares me the most. I wonder what rage I am capable of, what I can do with this rage I feel inside so deeply. It burns my insides, and it scars my heart. It makes me feel insane. Nothing and no body makes me feel this way, my anger is what I've grown to love. And I shall never leave it. 

I cut up my legs- all over.. Well, my thighs to be percise. 

I don't care anymore. I don't care what I say or do anymore.. I just don't care.. 

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madi_learning93 Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Freedom.

Freedom isn't free, my friends. Freedom will never free, nor will it be liberating in any sense of the word that doesn't restrain you. 

I've been listening to Devour alot lately, and it really hits home for me. Right on my heart. I've been more Sadistic lately, straying more away from Masochism. I've had this angry revolt to hurt someone else, in a sexual sense, and out of spite.

I somehow channeled myself to want to take out my frustrations out on other people, which scares me without a doubt. I want to hurt people; physically, emotionally, mentally... I want to manipulate everyone around me, I want them to give me whatever my cold heart desires. I want sex, I want alcohol, I want violence, I want nothing that has to do with love. Sex has nothing to do with love. Making love has to do with love. Sex is lust at its finest. 

I want lust. I want promsciousity. I want no emotional attachments. I want to completely and utterly devour somebody. Because I fucking can. 

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madi_learning93 Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Until We Bleed.

I've been better. The blood spilt pain hasn't been poruing lately. I'm lost in my own confusion and thoughts. I'm trying to stay grounded. Is freedom inevitable? I feel so lost, I know I'm not alone.

A self-discovery, a self-recgonizion is all I ask for. Maybe I'll be free again one day, freedom never lasts forever, though. Every word might be a trap, or a prize. Inspiration, music, art, writing; that is my sanctuary. You keep me safe creativity, you keep me alive. Or maybe it might be the blades doing? But I have been fine without you razorsharp terror of fate, I have been okay without you. 

But I always come back to you, sometimes longer than other periods of time. But I always came back, never completely left. I guess you can't when you entered the gates of self-abuse, you never will come out. You just float around, seeing other sould pass by you.. everyone has red splatters all over them. Some are crying, some look angry, some just look Dead. Dead is not FEELING alive,  Read more »

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madi_learning93 Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

So I was good for 5 months clean.

And last night, I broke that chain. I self-injured for the sake of claiming some control in my life. I didn't feel that anything around me was stable, or under control. My emotions were getting in the way of my clear and practical thinking and I felt like a big ball of emotional issues. 

I am lonely, to the people reading this blog right now. I am alone. As of this moment, I have no one in my heart, I don't have the strength, or the time to let down my walls for the sake of another. I guess when I think about it, I've rarely let my guard down at all in my life. But that's only because I know better, and I know that in life, you have to be strong. You can't be weak. You have to do this right, and move this on time. If you fuck up, you pay the consequences and that's what you get. 

I'm very ill right now, and I don't know if that has made my depression increase, or just the swarm of conflicts that came rushing into my life unexpectedly, but I was weak last night, I gave into my temptations. But god, I love pain. 

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madi_learning93 Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

It is possible?

To love 2 people at the same time? And I love them for completely different reasons.

They're 2 totally different people, and I absolutely adore both of them.

 

One is a guy, mo-hawk, musician, total outdoorsy type, smokes, completely sweet and there's this smoldering passion within him that I really want to explore.

And the other, a woman, younger than I, totally girly, lesbian, modest, conservative, sweet as can be, can be a bitch if she wants to, passive, innocent. 

Very different walks of life, different styles and appearances, and genders, lol.

AND I CAN'T MAKE UP MY MIND. 

AND IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZYYYYY.

 

What should I do? 

 

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madi_learning93 Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Time spent without them, is time spent most every night.

One of the horrible things about depression is, you have no motivation to better yourself. You've slipped into this world that is just.. you can not escape it. 

I have a crush on one of my best friends, I kissed her today at school. I wanted to it again and again, but I didn't. I got in a fight with my exbf and he threatened me, nothing new. My exgf is just a bitch, and I hope I never see her face again.

And yet again, I feel nothing. If anything, alone, but that's nothing new. What's the point anymore? I've been thinking about suicide alot. I have seen my stepdad in weeks, which is a good thing, but I'm always on edge he's just gonna show up at my doorstep and try to kill me.

I guess I'm just a paranoid person. But I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid to die, I'm not afraid to lose my life. I suffer on the earth with the rest of you mother fuckers. And drown myself in my apathy and shame, and booze. God, I need to get drunk. I feel NOTHING when I drink. Get some drugs. Fuck. Read more »

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madi_learning93 Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Moan.

Money, money, money. You are my sweetest curse. 

I absolutely love money, I crave it. I spend it, I share it, I even smell it. I'm money-hungry. When I don't have it, I get depressed, my life means nothing. When my family has no money, I get stressed. I get freaked out. NO MONEY!?! NO! 

God, I hate you money. You're fucking evil. That's why I think my eyes are so green, when I see it, I want to eat it. Fuck it, smell it, rub it on myself. I FUCKING HATE MONEY. 

I have a very addictive personality. I smoke, I drink, I've been drug free for 2 months so that's an up-side. I love money, I binge eat, I love sex. I'm definitely intertwined with the 7 deadly sins.  Read more »

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madi_learning93 Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Joining the Air Force after graduation?

Yes! I need to do something with my life. I need discipline and structure. I need to help my loved ones, and support myself as well. I don't think it's going to be a easy ride, and I don't expect it to be. 

I don't take the short road to things, I set high standards. And for the most part, I achieve them. I am a determined person, and a strong-willed mind. I don't take bullshit, and I know when to keep my mouth shut.

I want something to show for, other than my scars. I know I am more than that.

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madi_learning93 Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Sweet Blasphemy

You know what's depressing? When things- when you feel things are looking up, life takes a big shit on you?

Excuse my example, but it's seriously how it would seem to me. I mean, I consider myself a very strong-willed/minded person, and when I set my mind to say.. like a project, or a goal to achieve, I put my 110% into it. Into everything. Relationships, friendships, projects, music, love.

I don't half-ass anything I do, I charge ahead for my rewards and benefits. And I expect to get what I worked so hard for. But there are those times where I get shit on- I get shit on ALOT.

Alot of people I get involved with just leave- it might be the borderline personality disorder- idk. Either way, I'm still alone and it makes me feel like complete and utter shit.

I''m a very controlling, dominating person. I like to have things go the way they should, and I like to be in control of the power of a situation. (But secretly, I want someone to take the reins and put ME in my place), no one seems to have accomplished that. It's a complicated and mixed up mindset I put myself in.

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madi_learning93 Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

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