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what the hell am i gonna do
Printer-friendly versioni want to be close to god. i want to feel his love. i know he's good. i just dont deserve to know him or feel his love. i will never deserve it. i love jesus. i wish i could meet him. i want to be close to him. im afraid of evil spirits. i have terrible dreams. i want them to go away. i see bad people in my dreams. i cant sleep. i see weird stuff in my room at night. i hear weird sounds. i hate that. i want to talk to god but i cant. he would never hear me anyway. he doesnt want to hear my stupid voice. i wonder if my little dog is ok in heaven. i wonder if dad can see me. i hope not. im too ashamed. he left because he was ashamed of me. i always want hurt myself and kill myself. i never talk about it because i dont have friends here with me and i cant talk to mom because she wont give me a real answer and i cant tell my brother because im too ashamed and i dont want to scare him. i need god in my life but i know he doesnt want me. i dont know what to do. i cant fix that. and nobody can fix it for me. nobody can fix my life. i have to do it by myself. but im worthless, so god will never want me. why does he make worthless people? am i the only one, or are there others? why do i want to kill myself and hurt myself all the time? why dont i have a soul? why dont i have a spirit? why do people attack me when i try to talk like this? why do i try to ask for help? whats wrong with me? why am i always in the way? why cant i just stay out of the way and stop bothering everyone? i should just disappear. i wish i could disappear. everything is my fault. you dont know. i dont deserve to live. im afraid god doesnt want me. im afraid he doesnt want to talk to me, he will never want me or need me for anything. why am i here if i cant do anything right? why am i here if im worthless and useless? why do demons come to me, when i never ask them to come to me? why am i so empty and worthless?
Blog entry published by 11 months ago ()
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He loves you.
11 months () (Permalink)Reading this made me cry. God does love you. He is the only reason I'm still alive. I've always been scared that if I killed myself, I wouldn't be allowed in heaven. I have this image in my head of heaven, of finally getting there. God will come up to me and wrap his arms around me. I'll be able to just sink into him and know how much He really loves me. Because he does. He loves you, I promise. He's helped me through a lot, you should talk to him.
"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." ~1 Peter 5:7
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heres what i do
11 months () (Permalink)I've never been a church-goer,but everyday,i write a letter to God,He does want you,f he didn't,he wouldnt hve givin you a life,you're spposd o be something,i promise. You have to believe you will. I don't send it,but writing them helps. Im here if you need to chat,I'm Lani
NotQuiteNormal
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