I wonder if i am fooling myself. 

Can it be possible to fall in love with someone in just 6 weeks? But stupid me... i am so afriad to get hurt .. i pushed him away or more like.. i moved accross the country.

I can't help to think about him..  if he still thinks of me. 

The time that we shared together.. was lovely.. as i can recall. But the time we had was so short.. i wonder if i choosed to see what i want to see in him. Was i ignorant to his flaws?

I hope i made the right decision by leaving, i do have a nice memory of the time i spent with him...  maybe its better this way?

I recently decided to move away from my family and friends.. I was hoping that by moving away .. it would help me get away from my stressors. To start out fresh.. meet new friends. .I've started work at a new place.. I have to learn everything again.. Everything is all new.. and its stressing me out.

Im feeling more alone then ever..  at night.. I find myself wanting to cut... or hoping someone can beat the crap out of me..  just to stop thinking about life.. 

I guess.. home is where your family and friends are... even if there are rough patches sometimes. 

All i can think about is... i need to bleed... i need to feel something more then the self pity and loneliness going through my head. I can't stop all this negative thoughts... 

i guess drinking a bottle of wine doesn't really help.. .

I still love her. I can't have her. She doesn't love me. She doesn't want me. The future i had wanted shattered.. i'm pretending its all ok. and i'm ok with just being friends with benifits. .. what's wrong with me?

why can't someone love me.. .

i'm smiling and joking around on the outside.. .. . i'm dying on the inside.

I like the fact that.. i can always be myself here. I don't have to hide.

I've started dating again. How did that come about? i donno. I vowed to live my life alone. Therefore, i never need to worry about being hurt, to become the unwanted one. I figure that if I'm alone all my life i never have to meet people's expectations or for someone to one day decided they don't want you.

There are those who like to "take the good with the bad" when dealing with relationships in life, I'm not one of them. If i don't have any expectation to be with someone i will never experience the good so therefore never the bad. .. haha.. my messed up logic.

Why did i start dating again. i don't know. I went to Europe with a couple of my co-workers. We got drunk one night and one of them confessed that she had a thing for me. She started making moves on me one night. I didn't back down. I thought it would be kind of fun for this trip. what happens on the trip stays a secret kind of a deal.

I wish my life can be a character from a fantasy book. It seems, even if the story has a sad or happy ending, the characters will develop a strong sense of who they are and what they need to accomplish. Occasionally, I had dreams where I take over and become one of the characters in the story. .. and in that moment, I was actually happy and satisfied with life. I hope that one day I wouldn’t have to wake up from my dreams and it will actually be reality.

The quote from Shakespeare “all the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players ” can certainly apply to my life. I feel that everyone I have encounter only see what I want them to see. Nobody realizes that I am just throwing back a combination of characters and personalities learned from social media, books and themselves.

At the end of the day it makes me wonder, when I laughed, smiled, or talk expressively.. How much of it was real and how much of it was just an act? Did I do a OK job? Did I make a mistake? Did it flow, was it believable? This stresses me out.. I know I’m over analyzing it, but I can’t help myself. Read more »