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My Reasons Not To Kill Myself.
Printer-friendly version1. I don't want the last thing I feel to be pain; I don't want to go out hurting.
2. My baby brother is twelve. Everyone else close to me, or involved in my life, has already felt pain, has already struggled. But he's only in seventh grade, and this is right before his life gets rough. He has a lot of time left to experience hurt, and I don't wanna be the one to do that to him. I can't be the cause of his first great pain.
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That's how many reasons I need, and that's how many I don't have. I keep a journal. It's a little blue book, peace signs decorating the front, and as soon as you flip open the page, there's a sheet of stickers that say "love," and have the peace sign. A little ironic, considering what's written in it. Well, it's about one eighth of the way full, and I've come to a decision: If I complete this journal, and nothing has changed... I'm gonna do it. I'm going to kill myself. Maybe by then my brother will be hurting from something else. Maybe by then I'll be able to handle the pain. Or maybe, just maybe, things will get better. This is my last chance.
Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()
Comments
i like it
1 year () (Permalink)I like this idea. Not the killing yourself if nothing changes. The writing a journal part. I'm trying this new thing where every time I want to SI, I write down exactly what I'm feeling. If i can't stand the urge after that, I'll give in. I know the whole sibling thing. I have an older sister. She's the reason I started to SI. Not HEr, but what was happening to her. Read My Blog entry "Blank Slates" To Read about It. She was/is "sick" and isn't getting better. I started to SI because I felt hopeles. I could never tell my sister about my SI. She'll feel like it's her fault, and she would never forgive me. Just keep thinking of reasons. Even wierd ones like never eating an apple or whatever ever again. Just keep writing.
Peace And Love
XOXO-BandB
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