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The Smile is a Lie
Printer-friendly versionMeet someone's gaze? smile. smile with your teeth; unclench your jaw; wrinkle up your eyes just a bit... there you go.
And the worse part? No one knows. I mastered it my somewhere between my sophomore and junior year of high school because 'happy people make more friends' and they do. But happy people dont make friends that you can talk about SIing with. Not ones you can talk about the numbness with. Not ones that know that feeling in your chest where you cant breath, like a panic attack.
I smile, i laugh (ive gotten good at making myself laugh), and then i go lock myself in my room and cut. As i tell some of my friends often, i am made of lies. And then i smile. They smile back. Its all a great joke.
How would it feel to fall apart in front of one of them? ive thought about it so much. Just break down, summon the tears that havent been around for awhile now, that dry up before my eyelashes... complain about my life, tell them everything i cut for. Its almost a fantasy by now, but i wont do it. You cant go back from that, and i hate vulnerabiltiy. Youre not vulnerable when you smile, because they smile back.
Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()
Comments
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1 year () (Permalink)I often think, if all the people i knew were told that one of thier friends injured themselves on purpose, would they know it was me? I highly doubt in. In fact I would go as far as to say I would be the last person they would think of. Because we wear that lovely smile splashed across our face. Might as well say LIAR across our forehead. At least here we dont have to lie, we can share our feelings without the fear of being branded "vunerable" or "mentaly ill" or "attention seeking". x
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When you smile all the time,
1 year () (Permalink)When you smile all the time, people assume you are one of the few teenagers without any problems. But the truth is, you're the one with the most.
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i completely understand!!
1 year () (Permalink)i completely understand!! that seems to be all i do is smile and lie. lie...and then smile about it. it's all very twisted. by the way....the last line you wrote "You're not vulnerable when you smile, because they smile back." I love that!! Do u mind if i use it in a poem or something???
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but the tears are the truth
1 year () (Permalink)dont you feel so fake all the time? my smiling self is someone id like to be friends with, but without the act its all just self-pity and lethargic... junk.
feel free to use it in your writing endeavors =). i dont own words (just maybe book chapters...) haha
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yes! exactly! fake...that's
1 year () (Permalink)yes! exactly! fake...that's the right word for it. i often wish that my fake self was who i really was..but it's not. and that's exhausting.
alright thanks hehe.
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It's so easy, isn't it, to
1 year () (Permalink)It's so easy, isn't it, to smile, to lie. I do it without thinking, I'm two different people, one happy and fun to be around, the other a tormented soul. I too wish that I could fall apart and draw heaving sobs to let my feelings out into the open. To share my unbearable pain. But my walls are too strong. I've sealed myself away. Alone. Forever.
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