Printer-friendly version

I thought i was in control of this. What a laugh. I mean, years of public school health classes about addiction and i think i can  break all the rules? I was truly an idiot to even start this. I had the illusion of control for months up to this point. I -decided- to cut, or burn when i got into that mood. It was always a "choice", but i always gave into the urge, chose to, just the same. i -thought- it was a choice because i never defied it before.

You see, i had a melt-down of sorts a few days ago. Im sure several of you are more than aware of it. In that moment, i didnt want to cut at all. I had already SIed that day and there were already enough gauze pads taped to my legs. But it was awful. My friend and i had just had a stupid fight, i was going into self-loathing mode, and suddenly my room felt very, very small.  I could no longer tell myself that i decided when to cut, because this feeling told me it wasnt going to let me do anything else. At that point, i realized that i am NOT in control of this. And that scares me a lot, actually.

I SI to gain control of my life, but its just taking more.