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Well, it's summer again. In college, I only had four, maybe five episodes where I really wanted to SI, and that was over a period of nine months! Now, I'm back at home and the urge is growing to several times per week; as expected. If I didn't have a boyfriend that would see the new scars, I would be SIing right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad there's at least something that's keeping me from doing SI lately, but it would be nicer if it was my own motivation... and if it didn't have to be on call for three more months until school starts again.

Everything's set up right next to me. I tested the sharpness and counted the pills.

It's so weird how level-headed I can be one moment and then I turn around and do this. I talked to my mother earlier in the month about mental help; I didn't tell her the specifics, but she knows I have "bad anxiety attacks." There are just so many things to consider with therapy. My pro-con list isn't looking too good lately.

Cons: Family demanding to know specifics, that I SI and am sometimes suicidal; costing family money when they can't afford it; being given medication since it is cheaper for family than months of therapy sessions; possibly having to disclose my SI/suicidal/depression status as doctor (I might be applying to med school in a little while).

Pros: Possibly having less attacks; live; better social relationships.

Being the person I am, the pros being personal gains and the cons being harmful to my family, I don't see this happening. I hope everyone here has a safe summer. I'm putting away the pills, at least.