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Take Everything From The Inside

Im here waiting for a miracle, while I fuck up my life some more. I really don't know whats wrong with me. All I do is change my mind over and over, I can never stick with anything. I hope it just means it isnt for me not that im just backing out because it's getting too hard. Whats really hardcore is when you have no one that wants to be there for you. Life is rough as fuck like im really starting to realize how hard it is. I want and need to get out of here. I need to be better but its like its me against the world like everyone is really trying so hard for me not to do good. Like everyone wants me to fail. I just want to start all over. I dont need you all bringing up my past because its right here in my face... my present. Im still doing the same shit as before I've just gotten beter at it. I just need a place. Not a mom, dad or a guardian. I cant take it when people tell me what to do. Its like its programed in my head automatically that if you tell me something, at the end im going to do the opposite. It's weird. I just need my brain and a place. I cant take it with everyone talking telling what I should and need to do. Its like a fucking baby whinning in your ear while your trying to sleep. Just shut the fuck up all ready ! I know what I need to do but unfortunately my mind keeps changing. So back the fuck off. Its my life let me deal. All they need to worry about is giving me what I want and shutting up. I've been doing this shit since I was born ... making my own decisions.

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not a label Blog entry published by 5 months ago ()

Live, love and hate

Life is life. I want to live so badly. Just because my heart is beating dosent mean im am alive. Im not. I love to love. I love to hate . I am very passionate towards love&hate. Idk really haha what im talking about im just venting. Choose to live even though it is hard to stay alive. But in the end it's all worth it. This world has me confused im listening to everyone telling me how i should think and everytime i do think i think im crazy because this isnt what they would think. But i think that the only reason i seem crazy to myself and others try and make it seem like im crazy is because I am the truth i say every deep thought that comes to my mind. but other people they just say what they think you want to hear. As far as i know im am the sanest person there is. HAha

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not a label Blog entry published by 5 months ago ()

Lifehouse : Blind

 Huh . Lost, Im hear in this world with everything out in the open but don't know what to do wether should I start binge drinking again should I kill myself should I just live and wait for someone to kill me so I wont feel this way ever again. Betrayed, But I never had your loyalty to begin with. I thought you'd help me once I told you my deep secret but instead you just stud by . Sorry, for what I know my future holds and it is not me you will see in your future . Restless never ending thoughts that has nothing to do with me getting better because any of my options are not right Im all alone I have no fucking body my mother is worthless when it comes to me getting better . I feel like its just the beginning like Im hear to go through hell and not happiness . Its just the beginning and Im in for it, its something bad all I can do is try and find a way out of this problem where I dont know where to go . But either turn I make will just be a dead end . " Love " is all I have when it comes to me having a smile on my face . I feel love for my sibblings and hopefuly that'd be enough to get me through . Read more »

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not a label Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Lost !

Hello, World its been a long time, And I've come back because I really and truly feel lost. I don't know what to do. I'm in high school but never went and I fucked up I am fucked up. Omfg I can't do this no more. Its always been a goal of mines to work in Hollywood as a Makeup Artist . I want to be in the middle of life, I want to feel alive and the only way is if I become a Makeup Artist. I want to be in the fast lane I wanna work in movies I want to do makeup for celebrity's. And now I'm tired of the life I've been living drinking everyday and getting high. I want to be successful I want to be where everything happens. Makeup all started off as fun, but people kept on telling me I should be a Makeup Artist because im very good at it, and i know it and i'm still getting better. Help me help me help me help me, its so haaard it is my life is so hard I don't think I can do it anymore. The worst part is that i'm about to give up, I have a headache right now and it hurts so bad i'm so mad at myself, I don't understand. Read more »

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not a label Blog entry published by 2 years ago ()

How to deal / Death !

Today Brittany Murphy died. I'm just tired of people dying. Read more »

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not a label Blog entry published by 2 years ago ()

World spins madly on .

Okay, i should be feeling good but i dont i feel less than myself. I feel like im not trying hard enough to become healthy and better. I feel disgusted. 
 i feel like singing this song all day " I woke up I wished that I was dead with a aching in my head i lay motionless in my bed i thought off you" uggh im all alone in this thing im going threw. Oh well !

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not a label Blog entry published by 2 years ago ()

Addictive

Like this weekend was Great! like I went to my friend house for the first time, it was fun until I smoked some weed somewhat like it made me feel sick like I was dizzy and felt like throwing up. I also had the munchies like crazy. Anywho She gave me wonderful peels, they're great. Awesome like ugh. So im happy for that, I have enough for the whole week coming up. So I still feel urg. I didn't see him, I want to. I wish I could. I miss him. Yoo I feel crazy because im talking like were in a relationship, lol we didnt even get to the kissing. I guess thats whats making me like him even more. It would be so funny if he came up to me and said " I dont like you and I never did " I wonder how I'd feel. But anywho I guess I'll haft to find out.

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not a label Blog entry published by 2 years ago ()

He & She

Today was 30% good. I's just uggh. Im so mad at myself that I let a guy have me, like make me like him. Okay if you have been reading any of my blogs you would know giving in to my feelings is not me. I dont let boys change my life or ugh. Okay like it started 3 months ago when I started going to my causents house. Khadair the boy if GREAT like just want I need at the moment. He is funny,cute,shy,determined. Okay I said in June that I was never going to get into relationship or have sex with anybody unless they were like GREAT, different . I found it it's like his world and my world are different but there are so many ways I can help him get threw what he's going threw and he can do the same for me. All I need is fun, someone to talk to where I dont haft to lie. He knows I cut,drink,smoke. But he dosent no what Im going threw and the rest of my life shit. My anywho he is the reason why Monday my day wasnt good, he determines my mood. Like if he talks to me im happy. If I dont see him im mad as fuck. You see he's made a change no one has before ugh. Im like traped in his spell. Like this is aggravating. Okay this might sound stupid but Me and him are nothing . Read more »

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not a label Blog entry published by 2 years ago ()

Pain & Suffering

" Today is Monday . You know how people say Monday's are the worst and people wake up cranky, well I never had that feeling until...now. I feel like nothing. I feel lifeless. I'm not saying I'm going to kill myself I just have no energy. I'm empty. I hate that feeling. I want my liquor. I need a peel. I need fun. I want to scream I really feel like screaming ugh. I miss my dad. I want my dad. Last night I was crying because I was watching this movie My Sisters Keeper, and it made me think why do people haft to suffer. Why do people get cancer, why do accidents happen, why do people kill , why are people dying. But what really sticks in my head why do people suffer. I cried not just for me but for everyone in the world that suffers, I was so mad. I'm suffering and the worst thing about suffering is when you have no one to help you. Even though my life may be filled with pain and suffering__. You see theres no other side to my suffering theres no greater part about it. I cant say Even though my life may be filled with pain and suffering at least I have a family to get threw it with me. I have no one . Read more »

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not a label Blog entry published by 2 years ago ()

Rehab

I just had a talk with my Counselor at my progra. She was like you need help quickly Nyah, because like you said your not getting any better, and you have no guidance. I dont. I dont want any help. I dont want to stop drinking,smoking, and cutting, popping peels. I love it. I mean im not in dinial I know im addicted to these things, and could possibly die. But nope. Im just getting started. Im loving it. No rehab for me!

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not a label Blog entry published by 2 years ago ()

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