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NotQuiteNormal's Blog

 

I'm a monster

To everyone else, the scars and fresh cuts on my arms means i must be an escaped mental patient. Who except this site, could understand that maybe, just maybe, i NEED this. Maybe this is what keeps me fucking snapping. I love the way my razor feels,it's like the best hug i could ever imagine. It's soothing, like a pacifier would be to a baby. i like the pain,seeing the blood pool up and drip down my arms and legs. It's the best feeling in the world. But,no outside person could possibly understand that,now could they? No,i'm just a fucking monster, with a "kick me/tease me" tattoo on my forehead. That's all, just a monster not worth love, or hope, or being cared for. Monsters want love too though,God,is that what i crave,more than the razor,more than the oxy and heroin, its what i need....but..love is not for monsters,So i guess i'll never have it.

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I'm a monster in Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

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Overdosed

Well...i attepmpted to overdose...and..i didn't die..instead,i fucked up my memory..And got the kids taken away untill i control it better..Great. But...i would love to feel that calm again..to know it exists..that..calmness..its unreal. And no amount of cutting or picking or burning could make me feel it again. What now? I don't have the kids to look out for, He's always working or sleping...its such a horrible empty feeling..knowing this is like, my 6th failed attempt..I can't even kill myself right,and the last thing i tried doing, just cost me my memory..which is almost like dieing i suppose. but not for me, becuase my memories are all basically aweful. but..i'm too afraid to try again. Great

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Overdosed in Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

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Me and food..

Well...i have to force myself to eat now..and it takes someone BEGGING me to eat....I just can't stand the thought of food..being in me..it's just aweful..i feel like i'm getting fatter by the second. And it makes me want to barf my brains out,or, just cut food out all together..i've only eaten 3 raisens and 10 fries today,and,i'm already failing at not throwing it up..Why can't i just get over  it?!

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Me and food.. in Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

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Surprise...

Well..alots happend since september..andi've been on here...I faked my own death..which was not easy at all..I had two boys,and,am pregnant again with yet another little girl..I'm sorry for anyone who was worried about ..i don't deserve it. I just..was in a really,really rough time..I felt like a failure as a mommy,and,..a human..i'm just a failure

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Surprise... in Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

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offically Dead

Well..My babies are sick,My boyfriends hurt,i got fired.....so,to get food and diaper money,and pay bills..I'm a prostitute...Dear God...i'm 14! This isn't what i wanted of my life..strolling alleys with all, types of scum..being abused or violated...The other day,a"preacher" saying he was from salvation army,had me have sex with him and cll him "father"..For what? A baby's jacket for my broter,which was his anyway,and a hot meal!
All types come by..as long as it's the right price..
God i'm worthless..
pleas let it end

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offically Dead in Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

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Denial

I used to be ashamed of my SI scars,i hide my arms,legs,any place i have them. I'd deny that i cut..But i finally realized..no matter what i say,i still wake up with scars. And i still have theurge to cut. I wake u with lined covered deep beige lines. And no matter how many creams i use,i'll always know they were there. they will never be comleatly gone....and that's ok. It doesnt make less human beuase i'm scarred. It makes me unique...just like ll of you

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Denial in Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

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'Lookin and 'thinkin

Well,i havent posted in a while,i havent been able to get onthe site from my computer..but,i've been SI free for 2 months and 3 weeks,my girl's helped me. I look at all 3 of them,and see these humans i brought into the world..these little people who depend on me for food,shelter,and love. It amazes me to see them open there eyes and smile,or "talk" to me when they wake up. I think about 3 years ago,i was broken,abused,abanoned,homeless. Now,i'm a mommy..have an apartment,a job..its amazing to me. I know life sucks at times...but there i always something good ahead...at least hats what i believe now.

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'Lookin and 'thinkin in Blog entry published by 2 years ago ()

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Dear Baby

Dear Babies,Alicia,Ashlyn,And Aliana,
They said it wasnt possible,you were too small to survive. But you did it,You all did. I love you guys with all my heart,And,i know you love me,even if your not aware of me yet. Your going home today,All 3 of you,to meet your aunt and uncle,Your daddy is beaming with pride, I know you girls are troopers,you have strength,And,I promise,I will NOT harm myself,i will get stronger for you. My 3 precious little angels,I thought you'd never come. Thank You for loving me,and staying alive,I'm sorry i tried getting of you. It was a mistake,And i know you will forgive me. We are in tough times,so,you might not get everything i'd like you to have,but,we'll find a way, I'll see you when you wake up. Thank you again angels
Love,
Mommy
P.S-Welcome to the world

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Dear Baby in Blog entry published by 2 years ago ()

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Need The Pain

Someone asked me why i cut,and,i said becuase i needed the pain,"that's so retarded" was their reply. It's not,why does nobody get that sometimes i need tha pain.Pain is a better feeling than nothing.Most times,i'm numb,and when i finally cut,and the blood trickles down my arms,i feel something,a sharp pain,but,something at least..Somebody please understand that? and 'm just venting and ranting, :9

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Need The Pain in Blog entry published by 2 years ago ()

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Personal Question:Have you tried commiting suicide?

Have any of you guys ever tried commiting suicide? You don't have to tell me,or,even answer me,but,I just feel like i'm the only who has tried. I've tried commiting suicide 9 times since i was 11.I was going to hang myself,the first time,the 2nd time,i Took every drug i could find.Someone has always found me and taken me ti a hospital.And,i'mjust curious i guess.....So,have you? Just asking again..and nobody has to answer.I just feel alone on this topic

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Personal Question:Have you tried commiting suicide? in Blog entry published by 2 years ago ()

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Latest Blog Comments for NotQuiteNormal

Ashkins's picture
1 year 1 month ago
Ashkins

I feel the same. I love the feel of the blade...
Anonymous's picture
1 year 2 months ago
Deirdre Boyne (Moonspirit Dancer) (not verified)

Sometimes, I must admit, I feel the same......
NotQuiteNormal's picture
1 year 2 months ago
NotQuiteNormal

Thanks..but..i feel like i am..sometimes

...

Flightless Raven's picture
1 year 2 months ago
Moonspirit Dancer

You are not a monster. We share the same...
liltapper21's picture
2 years 1 month ago
liltapper21

well, yes i tried to commit suicide. sometimes...
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