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This is what I had posted on a blog a week or two ago, but I figure, eh, why not just share it here too. The reason my therapist gave me homework is because I don't have a....sense of Self as she calls it or any of the mentalities that come automatically with that. I hate to complain, but to list how my life has been for the past year, I lost the girl I dated for four years, she got with another guy, I spent six months cutting and drinking and just being self-destructive. I met another girl, I fell in love, she took amazing care of me and got me to stop cutting and drinking...for a while.Issue was, she had a boyfriend. Eventually they break up and we get to have our chance, so I thought. Her father then tries to force her to move hundreds of miles away, the only way to stop that is to legally bind her here, so we start planning to get married, in the middle of this, she gets pregnant. We fight. Alot. So we decide to get an abortion, the hardest decision OF MY LIFE. I cry every night still about it. After that, I find out she's been lying about anything she can for months. AWESOME. Oh, by the way, while this is going on, I meet a new friend and we quickly become best friends, but now I can't talk to my best friend either due to her parents. I had feelings for this person as well, and she helped me alot too. So essentially, I lost all my support systems at once, which leads me to where I am now. In the past two weeks, I've cut four times, large cuts at that.

"My therapist gave me homework. Unusual, I know. But it was to think where I want to be in ten years, and then five years, and work my way down to three years and figure out how to make it a reality. The thing is...I can't for the life of me think of anywhere I want to be besides under the ground. When I'm in a relationship, that's different. I want a good job, a family, a fulfilling life. But that's for the other person, not for myself exactly. The reason this assignment is so difficult is because I don't have what is defined as a "self". That means I don't have the things that come with it, being self interest and a desire to keep myself safe and healthy. I have never had any goals of my own. I adapt the goals of those I truly care about. I also let other people create my own self image. So, when my parents call me selfish and then tell me that I don't do enough for myself in the next breath, well...it's led to some..interesting character flaws. I have the ability to adapt to almost situation at this point because I've been told I'm so many things and take them to heart because I have no opinion of myself, I have been called smart, stupid, awkward, charming, nice, rude, mean, an asshole, a sweetheart, caring, heartless, inconsiderate, selfless, all sorts of things; And honestly, I don't know who the true me is. All I know is at 14yrs old, I was reading Nietzsche and Kant, I was deeply immersed in doing research on Spirituality and Religion, I was able to complete work faster than anyone else in any of my classes and I was able to go throughout highschool without exerting any effort. In my vocational class, I got the highest grade as well. But that doesn't help me define myself. I feel like I, obviously, have a biased view and it would be unfair for me to define myself then. Which is why I rely on others I suppose, but I recieve so many mixed signals, I have no way to know what's true and what's not. Which leads me to my issue, I have no goals, no direction, no motivation. I legitimately have nowhere I want to be. At twenty, I've had more life experiences and put more thought into life than a significant amount of people who have lived a full life and died of old age. The only thing I can even remotely think of that I'd maybe want to do is be a parent...but the issue with that is I feel like I have bad blood. This is due to the strong line of depression and drug/alcohol addiction that runs rampant through my family. I don't like to say this but...by some standards, I've lived a hard life, and I wouldn't want to condemn my child to that. I've wished I hadn't been born on so many occasions that I don't know if I could be so selfish as to do that to Riley..."