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A new beginning

This year so far has been amazing, I have been SI free for a while now and it doesn't look like i'll be relapsing anytime soon :) My relationship with my boyfriend has gotten sooo much better and we are just so excited to be meeting our brand new baby in about 2months. All these years I really never thought that life was ever gonna get better, I always believed that I would never find happiness and I would continue to hurt myself until the day I die. I honestly have to give all the thanks to my boyfriend because he was very understanding of my problem with cutting and was such a good listener and support system and I believe that was what helped me get to this point. I know there is always a chance of relapse but I hope and pray that it never comes back again. Thank you to all of you had read my blogs before and shown your support. :) 

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sbrown806 Blog entry published by 11 months ago ()

Update

So it's been a while since i've been on here, but I am happy to report that I have not hurt myself in about 6months. It has been a hard road to take but it's been worth it. Since i've stopped good things have been happening, I found out about 4 months ago that my boyfriend and I are expecting our first baby and we couldn't be happier. I hope that this new gift of life will help keep me away from all this for a very long time.

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sbrown806 Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

WTF

So for the past few days I have been feeling like I am about to relapse and start cutting again and there hasn't really been any reason for why I feel this way and i've been holding strong so far, but today I found out that my grandfather which I am pretty close with has cancer. I mean does god just sit up there and think hmmm how can I push people to the edge. I mean dammit!!!! I know this is probably just my anger talking but dammit what do I do now, I really really feel the urge but at the same time I feel like it will be a dissapointment to my grandpa and i'm just so confused right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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sbrown806 Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

Here I go agian.... ;(

So it has been about 4 months since I have cut myself and it was nice not having that stress but for the last couple of days I have been feeling the need to cut again. It's driving me crazy. I hate feeling like I am losing control of myself again and it's even worse because I have no reason to do it, it just feels like an itch that needs to be scratched!!!!! FML!!!!!

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sbrown806 Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()

I feel like a car!

I feel like a car and cutting is my gasoline, I can do a few cuts and run good for a while but when they start closing up I need to refuel again and make some more because I start feeling so down again. This last week has been great the cutting helped so much but now I can feel myself coming down not wanting to wake up and sleepng for long hours, its so miserable. I just wish this stupid habit would go away.

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sbrown806 Blog entry published by 2 years ago ()

Does anyone know a better way!!!!


Okay so like 4 days ago I had a really bad breakdown again and this time I actually started getting physical during an argument with my boyfriend, and yelling at him it was just bad. Well ofocurse being that I have began cutting I went in the bathroom and this time made some deep cuts, and ofcourse I am feeling great this week, I am so happy and I just am so in love with him and I just need to find a way to stay this happy w/out having to resort to cutting again, I wanna stop so bad but cant find anyother ways to manage my anger. So if anyone has any suggestions please let me know!

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sbrown806 Blog entry published by 2 years ago ()

Update on my life....

Well as much as I hate to admit since I have began cutting again life has seemed to feel a little better. The week I started back up again life began to be fun and I actually wanted to get out of bed and I wasn't sleeping in so late, but during the week I didn't do it I began feeling like crap again, I have been so down and wanting to sleep all day again and not wanting to see anybody and ofcourse treating the man who loves me like crap. So today I went into the bathroom again and cut and am feeling much better. Ugh it is such a sick thing to do but why does it make everything so much better!!!!!!!!

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sbrown806 Blog entry published by 2 years ago ()

Todays report!

Well last night I slipped up and cut again, but today I actually feel alot better, I am awake before 3 pm, and I feel like I have the energy to function. However I am sad that it took this to function, especially because it has been 7 months, I guess the cutting will never end, and I should have known especially since i've been doing it for 11 years. Well thats it for now, let see how the next few days go!

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sbrown806 Blog entry published by 2 years ago ()

So much for self control

Well I thought I had self control but I my emotions have gotten the best of me. About 5 minutes ago I stepped into the bathroom and broke my razon blade so I could use the blade to cut. I made two cuts on my wrist and although I am not proud of doing it, I can honestly say I feel a little better. I've been needing this for a while. Now the only part is explaining this to my boyfriend whom I know will probably be dissapointed and ask for my blade, but there is nothing I can do to really hide it. I guess the cycle has started up again and right now I don't feel that I can stop. SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!!

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sbrown806 Blog entry published by 2 years ago ()

These stupid feelings and thoughts!


I am so tired of feeling depressed and having the urge to cut myself. I have been good about not cutting since May or so of this year but the last few days I have just been feeling so down that the urge is coming back strongly and I dont know how much longer I can control it. I have also been having a craving for meth. I think thats only because I remember when I used to use I was the happiest person ever and right now I have no health insurance and cant afford my medication so I feel that its the next best thing. I am just so lost right now. And  I feel bad for my boyfriend because he has to watch my down days, for the last two days I haven't been getting out of bed until 3 or 4 pm because frankly I despise waking up. Everynight I hope that I wont wake up the next day. I hate these feelings!!!!!!!!!!! I just want to get better and be in the mood to get out of bed and enjoy the day :(

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sbrown806 Blog entry published by 2 years ago ()

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