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Today I realised, This hasn't been just a bad week.

Its been a bad hand.

A bad batch; A bad set of dates.

Its been a bad 2009.

A bad new start,

A bad morning,

A bad night,

A bad afternoon,

A bad time,

A bad run,

A bad walk.

Just bad.

And Today I realized; Standing on the curve.

Its not going to change, As my heart fell with stinging realization

Tommorow will be the same,

Bad all the way around; With a few breaks in between.

And Today I realized; What am I doing ?

What Can I do to make it better ?

Nothing.

I realized I don't know what I could do to make it better.

What ?

Drink myself asleep ?

OD on advil ?

Attempt to paint it away ?

Sleep it off ?

Take my mind off it ?

The usual ?

Well, the usual hasn't been working for me very well has it ?

But I don't know what else to do.

That the only way I know.

Pathetic isn't it ?

As I stood there, Knowing where I would be in approximently half an hour.

As I imagined what his latest stunt would be.

As My shoulders sank; I had skipped the rest of my classes for him.

And as memories flashed, I felt ashamed, dirty, Upset.

I was giving him everything, and what was he giving ?

A slap on the face and passing time.

But that doesn't mean that I don't enjoy the time he gives, Sometimes it even makes the rest worth it.

And as Everything set in,

Him,

Myself,

Our plans,

My parents,

His family,

School,

Work,

My future,

If hes in it,

His future,

If Im in it,

My problems,

His,

Our problems,

Complications,

Home,

His Home,

One that he had asked to make together,

The past,

Not knowing his,

Not well anyway,

Friends,

More complications,

My self made complications,

Bigger things,

Overwhellming things,

Things on top of things.

And In That moment I doubted.

Wondered if I really wanted to do everything.

And as I heard a car, coming down the hard wet road I looked at it,

And I imagined stepping out, It would only take a second, It wouldn't hurt for long

It would be all over.

And At that I cringed,

I let the car pass, heart pounding.

The road was deserted.

odd.

I reached into my back pocket and took out something formiliar.

A small pill bottle. Bought at the conveineince store only three days ago, around midnight.

I opened and looked inside.

Four of these and I'd be on my knees.

I looked at them for a long time, even got them out and ready.

I knew how stupid it was, it was an open street and there were people around.

And then a small sob escaped.

And I realized my reasons of the choice.

There were people around, If somethinghappened, they would call 911.

I would most likley be fine. After they got me stable and everything, maybe.

And as I realized, i looked down at the small red things.

I Whispered.

I dont want to do this, Not really, Not truly.

If I did then the pills would have passed my lips by now, I wouldn't have thought about it.

I dropped the pills in the snow.

Walked away before I could change my mind.

And tears quickly ran to my eyes

I couldn't beilieve it.

Part of me, I don't know how big, wished I could have done it, I don't even know why, Maybe just to get a few hours of unconsiousness, Not actually sleep but passable.

Im far too scared to say that perhaps it was because it could have went the other way.

It could have ended, right on that patch of curb,

....

As I walked , To where, I had no idea

I contemplated, Nothing in particular just contemplated.

The tears came in hords, People were staring now.

But I didn't care to much, I just wondered,

I was scared, perhaps of one particular thing , perhaps of everything.

But I was scared,

What had happened to me ?

what was this me going to do ?

what the hell was she going to do with herself ?

She wonders.