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i've been caught in a craze for the last few weeks. My first real post here since i moved from my previous SI site. I can't stop the cutting. am fully triggered and off. cutting no less than five stripes per day. this has been the routine for close to a month now. my wrists are a total mess, scar on top of scar on top of scar. I can't wear anymore bracelets in fear of drawing more attention to the area that is already apparent. am so frustrated and i can't get a handle on myself. i've nvr travelled outside the areas of my usual addiction which are my wrists, but the idea is presenting itself in my mind over and over, wanting to go deeper, longer.
My life is very public, "hmm maybe i should say highly public" some ppl know, and that isnt the point i suppose. maybe its the stress, not sure, but i feel like im driven to make this craze such a reality that the only way i can deal with anything is with the further destruction of myself. my feelings of inferiority. is so fucked. i won't tell the ones around me that are the closest, that all my demons are sitting at the table and hanging out with me on a full time basis. My Si is out of control and ana no better. i've cut my calorie intake to less 700 a day, and i feel like its not enough. for some reason i keep wanting to take pictures of all the self hate that i possess, all that inadequacy that i'am, so ridiculous that i dont embrace the good traits that i have, and only focus on the shit i can't do anything about. self loathing for not being as good as i should be. sometimes i think the jobs that i'm involved with are my true killers, but yeah through my dualistic nature i can't stop them either. Is like i feel an intense need for the destruction that they cause. Im so not confused, just hate all these feelings of inferiority. nine more lashes to come.

crosses=stakes
Skye