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August 6th, 2011. Why the hell am I awake at 8 in the morning? Oh, right.. because I couldn't sleep and Melatonin bought me only 4 hours of dreamless slumber.

There is also another reason why I couldn't sleep last night . I couldn't stop thinking. Why is this different from any other night, you ask? Because last night I had to sneak out of my house to see my best friend. My parents insist that we're dating, but we're not. But because they don't believe me, they'd probably flip a shit if they saw him in our house at 12:30 in the morning. He drove a half hour out of his way to just give me a hug. Two, actually.

The thing is, I feel bad because I didn't talk to him like I wanted to. When I want someone to know how I'm feeling I kind of "rehearse" what I'm going to say beforehand. Unfortunately, I do this thing where I put up my guard whenever I'm talking to prople in person. I can be the most open person in the world over a text or instant message, but put me in front of another human being, and I shut right up. I'm like that with everybody. And no matter how much I tell myself during a "rehearsal" that everything will be okay if I talk,  once I'm actually there, I'm speechless.

However, I think maybe he caught onto this when we were standing in the dark at the bottom of my driveway last night because even though he couldn't see my face (or I thought he couldn't), he just kept talking about a movie he had just seen. And then when a silence would break, he'd just hug me. And not one of those wimpy, awkward friend hugs. It was a solid, put-you-back-together-again hug.

I just wish I could talk to him in person the way I can talk to him over a text. Maybe in time.. Plus, I'm sure he understands, right?

Now yes, he's a good person obviously. But I think maybe he was motivated by some guilt to come to my house. About an hour before, I was trying to sleep, but you know how that goes. So, I texted him. Before I even said anything, I apologized for always bugging him because I know how difficult it is to console a stubborn person. He just told me to "go for it", so I did. I told him what was wrong and he just said "Well, what do you want me to do?" and I said "I'm sorry, okay? Nevermind. Forget it. I'll text tomorrow, okay?" and I think  that woke him up because then he apologized.

I can't decide if I want him to never do that again, or do it more often. It made me cry, which is something I've been trying to do all week, to no avail. ..But it hurt. I had recently had a dream that something like that happened.. where he didn't want to talk to me and just blew me off. He has never done that. I just don't want my nightmare to come true for real because at this point, he's kind of the only person I have to rely on.

On the bright side, I haven't SI'd in about two weeks! I'd like to think I'm done, but you know how that goes, too. >_<

Well, now that's I've officially bored you to death with my recent life, I will leave you with a "thank you" and a "goodbye". Also, stay safe.

Lots of love!

"Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign that you have been strong for far too long."