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I was at the bookstore yesterday n I came across a book about a girl who self mutilated..to be completely honest, I was stunned. While I was surrounded by all the other book about drug addictions and prostitution, books about bbeing gay or sexualy tormented..alll kinds of books about suffering and this was the FIRST time I had EVER seen a teen book about self injury. It madee glad to see, that people are trying to get the message out there thru a story-that SI problems do exist in our world. It also made me sad to think about how taboo SI still is. Last week was a rough week formme and my close friend (my ex) had been asking me what was bothering me...to be honest a lot of things were bothering me..and one of my biggest problems was that I felt soo down about relapsing after a month SI free. I relapsed three times..and it was getting to me, especially the fact that I felt so alone. How do u tell someone something they won't understand.? I had been injurying Inplaces easy to hide- I never had to tell anyone if I didn't want to...but that's the problem-I wanted to. I wanted so bad to run to someone with this problem. someone who would understand instead of judging me, someone who would just wrap me in their arms and tell me everything was gonna be okay-and that I could get thru this- someone to say they're HERE FOR ME.
So, silly me-I had faith my ex might actually be someone who could provide this level of comfort for me. After he was persistsnt w asking me what was wrong, I gave in. I told him how I was so sad cuz I was disappointed cuz I relapsed..i told him it made everything harder and I felt like a failure for giving in and that I wanted help.....his reaction was, not helpful. He unwrapped his arm froM
around me, and moved away from me on the couch. He didn't say anything. He just sat up w acsyern face..he looked upset. At that exact moment, I KNEW I shouldve kept my fucking mouth SHUT. I told him his reaction made me feel bad and why couldn't he just try to support me and be here for me...all he told me was "I told you if you kept doing that I would leave you for good."
the words were like a dagger in my heart. Here I was -desperaltely seeking emotional, tactile comfort-begging myself to say something-tell someone! And he was my choice , my closest friend he should be able to understand..to help me. But of course, people like us don't get that privilege very often. We get told to "just stop" people tell us to grow up..stop bring immature. They give us ultimatums..like leaving us is gonna help us quit..when all we really need is someone to be HERE. The best treatment we can get is a friend who understands. Who won't leave you because you're sick.. It made me hate the way things are. Why can alcoholics, druggies, mental illness etc why can all these people be seen as people who are sick and need help-why are there support groups and endless books, doctors, research--all kinds of things out there to HELP these people. But SI is still considered taboo??? Why is it okay for someone to shoot drugs up into their veins and someone would take thembin and help them, but if they find out you dig razors in your arms you're suddenly a freak who "has to stop unless.." ugh I just HATE being TOLD to stop or given an ultimatum if you don't stop. I want HELP, not a lecture.
Sorry. I was just frusrated about all this. I'm thankful for this site with all these wonderful people who will actually listen to me, people who understand. Thank you to eveyone who has ever been here for
me. I hope I can do the same for all of you.
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