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Lost Little Girl
Printer-friendly versionMy mom asked me today, “Where is the little girl that was so lovely, and who never talked back? The little girl that all the parents said was a joy to have? Where did that smart, joyful girl go?”
I actually laughed at her. As soon as she was finished I laughed at her face. She wants to know where that little girl went. Where little Summer went? She’s gone, and she’s never coming back. She was beaten out of me. She was thrown away. Maybe she’s still on the highway trying to get back home after my mom left her there because it was “all too much” for the bitch. Maybe every time I cut I bleed a little more of her out of me.
I don’t know where she went, and I don’t think I want her back. I was weak back then, and I let my emotions get the best of me. Now I know not to trust people, and I don’t get hurt. I’m stronger without that little girl.
Blog entry published by 1 year ago ()
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Agree with shard_of_light
1 year () (Permalink)Honey.
You have to embrace that little girl. I know it seem scary because she was a vulnerable, nieve little soul. But sweetie...she IS the reason you are so careful in life now. Why you don't trust easily. She is YOU. You've learned how to protect her and you've built a shell around her. And it's scary to let her look out through the windows of your eyes...because someone might see her and try to take advantage. I get that. But also, you're smarter now. You'll see how you need to watch over her and how you can let her live a little at the same time.
Even though your mother upsets you...and you have just reason for it....she's giving you a little treasure without knowin it. she's reminding you thast you still have that beauty inside you.
You just need to figure out a "safe" way to let her back into your life.
I know. easier said than done. trust me...thirty some years I've dealt with the same topic. I'm trying...and I'm scared...but I want her to be happy too....the innocent..loving me that is. so I'm trying to find "safe" ways to let her care again.
and that's scary, but so exciting too.
I'm here if you wish to speak with me.
-JayLynn
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I cut my leg for 2 years now.
1 year () (Permalink)I cut my leg for 2 years now. The cutting has left alot of scars. I started to wear shorts and skirts in the summer, so everyone was able to see the scars... I thought that if everyone knew about them, I couldnt possibly go back and cut if I tell everyone i have stopped cutting. At first i was ashamed of showing the scars, I felt like everyone was looking at me and I started to feel like I was something bad, worse than the other people... I don't know if i should carry on leaving the scars uncovered for everyone to see, i don't think i am ready yet, every time i see the scars they make me want to cut myself. I cant wait for the winter... I don't know what to do, i wanted to show everyone that i got over it, but i haven't, i cant carry on playing the role, the strong girl, who has overcome the cutting. Because I haven't, i still want to hurt myself. want shall i do, i am worried ill do something to me again!
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You are brave
1 year () (Permalink)Showing your scars is extremely brave, and even if people look poorly at you for doing it, I don't. It is something that shows how much courage you have, and is a great gesture of trust.
But if you aren't ready for people to see that part of you, and if you are even more tempted to cut because you are showing them, then feel free to stop. It won't be a weakness to do so, this is something you need to do at your own pace.
The most important thing is that you are honest with yourself. The other people don't matter, its just you. Don't push yourself into a role you aren't ready just for other people. If you aren't ready, then don't overexert yourself, because that's usually what leads to relapse.
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That's sad
1 year () (Permalink)Everyone needs that little girl, she's not a weakness, she's our innocence and joy and love and feelings and she is what makes us strong. But she is very fragile herself, easy for others to hurt, easy to hurt ourselves, she has no defences, so you must protect her. Please try to find her again, and care for her, and let her grow. Don't cut her out of yourself, you can't live without her.
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