The reason that I SI. Well part of it at least. I figured it out last night while I was, well, SI-ing. I spend most of the day a happy-go-lucky generally cheerful person, but no matter how happy I am or how at peace with the world I may be there is still a voice in the back of my head with repeated "I hate you"s and "not good enough"s. No matter who I'm talking to, from my best friend to a teacher I love as a mother. I always have that constant bombardment of "failure" "fake" "attention whore" "bitch" and more. The only time that this voice shuts up, even if it's only temporary, is when I SI. I hate that I hate myself so much. I've always told myself and other people that I like, even love, who I am. But I've come to realize that this isn't true. Sure there are a lot of things about myself that I like, but as a whole I never feel like I deserve to live let alone be around the amazing, creative people I get to call friends. While I know there are more reasons behind it, ones that I can't even begin to delve into emotionally, this is definitely one of the biggest aspects of it. Having that relief from self hatred even for a second is worth it. Read more »
