Even though I haven't had any episodes in a while, and I'm trying my hardest to not be such a cynic, in the back of my mind the embrace of darkness seems rather comforting. Each and every day I'm forced to have this obnoxious Barbie-Girl smile, and what hurts the most is that it isn't genuine. Having to put on a show for everyone and pretend that everything is okay is exhausting, but I figure if I pretend that I'm okay eventually I'll truly believe it. I don't think I'll be happy until I establish myself, first...I hope. What I hope for even more, is that I don't take ten steps backward into disarray. Slowly but surely, I can sort of feel the changes that I'm going through. I like it, and I'm going to continue to push past life's blockades. I refuse to be a victim any longer. No matter what I'm going to find myself some effing happiness, even if I have to dismiss myself from everything I used to know. I hate it here and I need to leave, I'm going to leave. Soon, in due time, I'll be happier and on my own. I'll be able to start over, and recreate myself completely. This miserable place will never be seen by me again.