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Happy two-year anniversary

Nothing has changed. It's just been temporarily repressed. 

The reason I stopped cutting was because my boyfriend wanted me too. I'll admit that I kind of wanted to as well, but I have nothing stopping myself from doing it but him. There is nothing for me to gain.

I feel like I'm ruining our relationship with all my stupid little mistakes. I feel like someday he's going to realize it and break up with me. I know that eventually we'll break up, but I know that it's going to be my fault. All these little mistakes are going to add and build on top of each other, like bricks, like a helium balloon, filling and filling before it inevitably explodes and the reminants come crashing down.

Sometimes I don't want to be like this anymore. Sometiems I really do want to change. But I have no motivation. I hate myself. I don't care if I care or if I dont, I don't care if I do drugs or not, I don't care if I'm broken or healed, I don't care if I live or die. 

And if that happens, if we do break up, then nothing will stop me. I will cut and burn and harm myself all the time. I'll decompose, and you know what, I won't even care. 

That's what scares me the most.

 

P.S. Happy two-year cutting anniversary for me.

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TehHouseKitteh Blog entry published by 3 months ago ()

Realization Via Razor

Quitting has, in some ways, been very difficult for me.

It's difficult because I have a hard time controlling my emotions. I'm a very passionate person, you see, and any sort of upset throws me to the edge of my insanity, and back again in an instant. It's all so very exasperating, not to mention tedious and frustrating.

When I first quit cutting, I had forgotten how to cope with the feelings that could so easily chew me up and spit me out. In a particular bout of hatred and desperation, I dismanteled a pencil sharpener. But I didn't use the razor. Instead I stared at it. I made sure to catch my eye, like I did in a piece of glass the first time I ever cut. Then, for some odd reason, I set it down at the way edge of my desk. It glinted maliciously back at me, but I didn't touch it.

For three months, this razor has been sitting at the edge of my desk, waiting for me. No one knows of its existence but me; I'm pretty sure no one has even laid eyes on it before, except myself. I've picked it up on occasion; though not when I was angry or upset, but rather in a neutral mood, where curiosity and sentiment would grab me for just a moment. The funny thing is that I would only handle it when I didn't have urges....When I did, I would steer clear.

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TehHouseKitteh Blog entry published by 4 months ago ()

I Miss My Grandpa

My grandpa died unexpectedly from a freak-accident almost 7 months ago. He was an outdoorsman and was trying to cut down a tree on his land. He loves going out in nature and keeping his many acres of land in-line. Anyways, while he was cutting the tree, it uprooted and fell on top of him. He was asphixiated and died.

So, 7 months later, my grandma has a new boyfriend, my family doesn't talk about it, I'm still crying, and I have so many things I need to say, so many feelings I need to talk about. But:

1) I couldn't bear bringing it up to my family. We have really poor communication and I'm not close with anyone.

2) I tried seeing a counselor (technically for my cutting) and she sent me on my way as soon as she knew I wasn't going to kill myself tomorrow. So she's really shitty.

3) I just can't find the words to really open up to my friends or boyfriend.

 

I'm stuck, I don't know what to do, I'm pissed off and I'm sad and I feel so many things that I just can't express them on this blog post XD It's angering. Grr.

 

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TehHouseKitteh Blog entry published by 4 months ago ()

Hai Everyone

Hai everyone, my name is TehHouseKitteh and I registered...yesterday! xD So...yeah, you could say I'm pretty new.

I guess I'm not really sure how to introduce myself on sites like this. First and foremost, I love writing and music and singing and acting. I enjoy peanutbutter sandwiches. I hate milk. Long-time fan of the Sims (entire first generation, woo :D ), Pokemon, and the movie Titanic. If given the choice, I would eat at Olive Garden at least once a week. My favorite book is Gone With The Wind by Margaret Mitchell. She and J.K. Rowling inspire me.

Also, I hate myself, have terrible self-esteem, have been cutting for almost two years.

...Oh yeah, and I like dress shopping. Secretly.

 

So there you have it! :3 I guess that's me. Not all of me, of course, but...little tidbits. I'm a really friendly person...I also like friends ;-; you know, just thowing that out there.

 

Hokai, so bai!

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TehHouseKitteh Blog entry published by 4 months ago ()

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