Printer-friendly version

Its wierd to find myself on a site like this because usually I take this battle alone, feeling that nobody around me really understands the feelings and the urges that I get to hurt myself. However lately I seem to find myself reaching out for someone, anyone to help me, anyone to just listen to me and assure me Im gonna be alright that the battle isnt as rough as I see it right now. And for the most part it is a battle, a battle of wills, of strength and of endurance. But its a battle that you fight on the inside, within yourself. Which is what Ive been doing these last few weeks, battling myself, my emotions and for the first time in 2 years I broke. Lets just say going through a year long deployment virtually alone takes a toll on just about anyone in and of itself, but add to that the deaths of friends you get a much more emotional package, but again add to that someone who was supposed to be a friend starting things with other people who are supposed to be friends, getting threatening phone calls and visits from animal control...Well lets just say it takes a strong person to deal with it all and for just a moment my hard won control snapped. It was like someone poured ice water over me, I was numb and shaking, and the next thing I knew, WHAM! I fell back into old habbits, ones which I hoped Id never have to deal with again. I felt weak, ashamed, and lost. I mean everything just happened so fast and even as I was hurting myself I was crying, I didnt know if it was for the loss of friends who obviously werent good friends, the loss of all the progress Ive made the last 2 years of pulling myself out of the darkness, or because I finally gave in to the ever present urge to hurt myself..It was like watching from outside my own body. I could see everything, me sitting on the floor crying out, but not able to grab my own hand and pull it away to stop myself. I just watched as my carefully built mask crumbled, showing for the first time when I looked in the mirror later someone I thought I locked deep inside me, someone who with all the emotional stress Ive been under lately finally got her change to break free..And now Im scared, scared because for the last 2 years Ive managed to lead a health( and by healthy I mean free of self injury) life...Now the urges are back tenfold and it takes every ounce of strength I have left to not do it again. Im scared Im losing ground, that this mountain is just too high to climb and the one person I wish was here to spur me forward, to tell me Im stong enough to fight again is half way around the world in Afghanistan. Im scared that my uphill struggle is going to be a long slide down the mountain on my butt, all alone.