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A death in the family...

When something like this happens we ask the questions why them...why our family..Why now...Always why why why. Its a total shock to the system physically and emotionally. My faith is shaken, Ive been rocked deep down to my very core. When you lose someone most people get sad or angry or violent or just dont show emotion at all..Me? I get sad, angry, violent. I scream, want to beat things, I cry..For the first time in months I have felt the pain I should feel when my emotions are raw...I didnt feel the "need" to cut, not that I didnt want to. My heart hurt, my head was spinning..I was just so very lost but I could feel... I could feel it all..My pain was there..Why did it have to take losing my only living grandma to feel the pain the depression wasnt letting me feel..it just didnt make sense.. How could i go from having to make jagged scratches on my skin to feel the pain to feeling like someone had cut right into my heart..It still hurts, my heart is shattered and I can feel the jagged edges ripping as I move...I want to cry but for some reason i have no more tears to shed...I wish I could because the crying helped me feel..I kinda hope this kind of pain continues...I know thats wierd to say but it actually feels good to be able to feel pain outright without hurting myself to do it..maybe its the break in the cycle I needed to get better...Who knows but for now I will take refuge in this new wave of pain..for now at least i dont feel the urge to cut

RIP Grandma Valeta, I will miss you and love you forever. I will proudly bear my name and I thank you with all that I am and ever hope to be for being my grandma, it was a pleasure and an honor to know you and love you the way I did. Rest easy and one day I will see you again. I love you! <3 Valeta J