I can see the cuts every time I close my eyes...feel that sweet release and head rush from blood loss. I havent self harmed in so long(going on five months now) but it is an almost constant fixture in my thoughts... I would give anything to be normal now and not have those devistating desires. The need for pain, I am not too sure where this desire to mutilate myself stems from at the moment, perhaps in time it will fully fade, and I can be that "normal" person I so desperate wish to be.
I hope so. I am so greatful to have such a loving boyfriend who understands my need for pain, and is more than willing to oblidge in consentual domination and submission. If it were not for the pain from such abusive play, I very much doubt I would be able to resist my horrendous blood lust.Even just thinking about it flowing down, dark red, is enough to start the endorphines rushing. But i have to stay strong. I have made a promise to the man I hope to someday marry, and I will be damned if I break that promise yet again.
I wear a red string braclet, a simple trinket, only a dollar from wallyworld, as my reminder of my promise and to stay strong despite my constant desire to break the flimsy string and begin my self harming anew. Sometimes it is hard though and all I want is to feel that manical glee as my razor breaks open the flesh on my arms, legs stomach, or anywhere else I am able to reach.. Read more »