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Like a Scared Little Girl

I was getting ready to go to sleep at 2 this morning.  This is going to sound ridiculous, but at night any sound freaks me out. So as I was putting my pajamas on and taking off my makeup, the printer started printing papers out. It wasn’t ink papers or anything; it just started spitting out filler paper. I locked the door behind me and I cried until 4 when I finally fell asleep.

I’m going to turn fifteen in a little more than two weeks. And yet I wander the house like I’m a scared little girl.

I got back up at 7 and I made myself breakfast and had some coffee. I regretted eating the moment I stepped into the car. The anxiety was excruciating. We got into the waiting room and sat there for twenty minutes before getting called in. The session was good. I gave her the jar and we talked about a lot of positive things. I also found out that my medication management doctor will be retiring in July.  We talked for a while and we talked about most of the things that have been going on. I made her cry, again. And I didn’t mean to. At the end she told me that I have so much intelligence and I shouldn’t settle for less than what I can achieve. I’m dreading finding a new therapist.

I’m going to be visiting my old teacher’s soon. That’ll be exciting. Read more »

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autismtwin Like a Scared Little Girl in Blog entry published by 15 hours ago ()

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Failure *May be triggering, proceed with caution*

This whole post may be triggering, so please proceed with caution

Well. Yesterday I had finally decided enough was enough. That I was done with everything and anything. So after I got home from school, I took several muscle relaxers and went to sleep.

It didnt do anything. And I obviously should have done my research because apparently they are not lethal.

So guys, I am still here.

My body felt physically drained from yesterday and my muscles were very tense, but I dont know if that has anything to do with the pills.

To be completely honest and blunt, I am getting tired of trying and trying and always failing. Maybe its a sign from God (or whoever) that it just wasnt meant to be. My long road to recovery is going to take work- I know that, I have done that before. And I am scared. I'm scared of getting better and not knowing who i'll be.

I am "the girl who tried to kill herself last year in the bathroom stall". And without that girl, I dont know who i'll be or where i'll go.

I'll need lots of support from everyone on here and everyone who knows about my situation in the real world. But maybe its finally time to let go of the blade and move on with my life.

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Poetically Armed Failure *May be triggering, proceed with caution* in Blog entry published by 1 day ago ()

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Bleach and Paint

We’re literally scrubbing the house. It reeks of bleach and paint. I’d love to be bleached and repainted. In other words, I’d love to be wiped clean of my past and given a fresh start.

My day started out decently enough. I cleaned around the house, and I made a jar for my therapist for tomorrow. Then we got some news. The move is delayed. It’s a long story, but I’ll explain. It’ll be a good distraction so I don’t cause harm to myself. So basically, we’re supposed to move into a house across my grandparents’ house. The woman currently living there has six children – ages 2-15. She’s thirty years old. She has a brand new car, yet she abuses the welfare system. Anyway, my grandfather was helping her buy food and pay for the house. Her rental fell through so he went out and bought a house that he could rent to her – so we could move into her current house. She’s playing him for money. The move was delayed today because of a well inspection or some shit.  Right in front of my brother, she asked, “When is the fucking house going to be ready?” She hasn’t been paying her bills and she doesn’t want to; she wants us to pay when we get in. If this house goes through, we’ll be moving to the other house which means we’ll be moving for the eighth time a few months later. I’m done, that’s fucking ridiculous. Read more »

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autismtwin Bleach and Paint in Blog entry published by 1 day ago ()

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Never Give Up

My name is Tessa. I haven't been on here in probably over two years ago. I don't recognize anyone I know that i formed close relationships with, but I'm here to tell you all that whatever you may be going through will get better.

At age 13 I started cutting, burning, smoking pot and cigarettes, drinking and taking pills. My parents had a very aggressive seperation that lasted for years, and I had my own personal problems. I became addicted to pills and was getting fucked up almost every day. I had many friends, but none of them had started doing the shit that I had, and over the years, each one stabbed me in the back and i lost them. I started hanging out around a new group of friends that did drugs, like me. I had lost all hope in everything and attempted suicide various times. When I was about five years old, i was raped by someone close to me, and never told anyone. The memories haunted me every single day. My mother and i could not even afford to eat a single solid meal a day and i developed anorexia, i thought of myself as ugly and worthless.

Now, i am 17. My life still hasnt gotten much better. We still can not afford to eat. I still smoke pot and cigarettes, drink, and do pills, but not nearly as much as i used to. I do not have any friends. But i am beginning to learn to be more social. I have been forced to get a job to help with bills just to have a place to sleep at night. Read more »

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EverybodysFool Never Give Up in Blog entry published by 2 days ago ()

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Thank You

I just want to say something to you guys. Thanks for commenting on my poems and other written pieces! It means a lot to me; it brightens my day to see such positive feedback. I’ve grown up through rejection and fear, and those comments have helped me. So, thank you.

I have moved about six times (I think.) There was one house in which I attended kindergarten through half of fifth grade. I met my best friend, and I really got attached to that house. We left that house four years ago. My friend walked by and sent me a picture. All of those memories flooded back but it triggered me. I can’t help but think maybe it could have triggered what I’d later see that night.

I hallucinate each night; I see the person who abused me. I used to freak out at the sight of him but the more I see, the more I’ve adjusted to it. Last night, around 2am, he was walking towards me. All of the sudden, we lost power. I could no longer see him and I freaked out. I thought he was coming to get me.

My therapist said that my memories will slowly come. She was right. It has taken months for my mind to let me know a small portion of what happened. Last night, I got one of my first full memories. Well, kind of full. It’s the most detailed memory that I’ve got. I don’t know if it was a flashback, it just kind of came back to me. I saw a white background, and I saw him; except I couldn’t see his face. He made me touch him and I didn’t want to. That’s all I could remember. But hey, that’s a start. Read more »

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autismtwin Thank You in Blog entry published by 2 days ago ()

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It Left As Soon As It Arrived

My brother never opened up. He fell asleep in the middle of watching Dateline.

I can’t describe the feeling I had today. It was a great feeling that I haven’t had in a long time, a great feeling that I never get. I’m against the words, “normal,” “average” or “typical” or any word that implies that there is only one way to live. But I felt like for once I was doing something that other teens do.

This may not seem fun to everyone but I got to do something that I love. Me, a friend, and my brother volunteered to clean up the trail and creek. We showed up in our jeans and rain boots, ready to go! We had two bags, one for trash and one for recycables. We walked miles through the creek until we hit the main road once again. At one point, I was in thigh deep water looking around for trash. We joked the whole way; it was the first time that I’ve had fun in a long time. We did come across a dog that had died in his sleep; that was really sad. We ended up calling my mom because we were soaking wet and we needed a ride back to the nature center. After that, we went home and changed clothes. We met back up and walked to the connivance store where we purchased three extra-large Slurpee’s and a huge bag of chips. We then walked up to the park, sat on the swings, and hung out. We even had a contest to see who could get higher! Haha, this sounds really immature of me. It just felt good to be a kid again. That high was only for a few hours, so I enjoyed it while it was there. Read more »

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autismtwin It Left As Soon As It Arrived in Blog entry published by 3 days ago ()

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I'm so over emotional

So since my boyfriend and I have been dating for a while, a while back we decided to be sexually active, and I wont go into too much detail about that. So today, we are in the middle of "it", and guess what I do?

I start crying hysterically.

There wasnt a particular reason why, I just felt super overwelmed. Or maybe its the fact that I couldnt feel anything, like I was dead inside. And doing that with me has always made me feel better. So I freaked him out pretty bad and im sure his confidence is shaken. Which I didnt intend for that to happen. Just one minute I was enjoying it and the next, I was crying. God, I'm so pathetic.

He left about an hour ago and is dodging my texts. I dont blame him though.

If I could, I would dodge my texts as well.

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Poetically Armed I'm so over emotional in Blog entry published by 3 days ago ()

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cruelty

Some part of me wants a friend willing to lie to me.  Tell me all the lovely things I've wanted to hear and pretend to believe them returned.  Say you love me.  I say I love you.  Touch each other.  Embrace each other.  Warm against the wind.  Confortable, we get so far into the lie that we understand it and feel better for a moment.  Is this what I'm doing with this girl I'm to start seeing next weekend?  does she know this?

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cruelty in Blog entry published by 3 days ago ()

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hypothetical

-- Drunk and in a seriously hated mood.  No need for alarm, Friends.  I will not die. --

 

Sorry, Beautiful.  Won't be able to keep our first date.  Take the tickets.  They're at the box office under my name.  Asking a lot, but go.  Imagine I'm there with you and happy.  Really wanted to be.  Want to be sure you understand this had nothing to do with you too.  You.  I was trying to change.  It really was me.  Just didn't make it.  Couldn't.  Tried.  Hate to say you were an attempt.  Thought I could.

To whom it may concern, job sucks - no doubt, but this had nothing to do with that either.  Any who speculate I was too stressed at work are mistaken.  Fights I can win I win.  Work was nothing.  This was just me.

 

Family...  Fuck you all.  I hope you're good enough in the rest of your lives to somehow make it to Heaven.  Hell isn't Hell as long as you're not here.  I'll be okay without you.

Apologies all around, but I have to go.  I'm sorry.

Politely,

Suisidle

 

 

-- Drunk and in a seriously hated mood.  No need for alarm, Friends.  I will not die. --

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hypothetical in Blog entry published by 3 days ago ()

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Empty

There is a huge hole in my chest, perhaps only emotional, but it could span all of time amd space, yet still need more room. And within this hollow and forsaken shadow lives the beginnings of depression. Grief, loss, sadness, etcetera. And each echoes and multiplies, becoming this inaudiable hum that could only be felt from the inside as it began to tear you down to shreds. But I suppose that is better than me last night. Silent screams as I clawed at the center of my chest, begging...pleading to feel something other than this hollowness. If pain were to be it, then let it be. And then, I cut. Shallow cuts that we decorated with crimson ornamates. No elaborate pattern, but beautiful all by itself in a twisted way. Like how an arsonist may call fires beautiful, and others say only when controlled. The ash piling at the bottom, the heat radiating, colors, gorgeous colors...But I digress. That hole is destroying me, and my my loved ones with it.

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The Darkness in Light Empty in Blog entry published by 3 days ago ()

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Latest Blog Comments

Holly M's picture
14 hours 10 min ago
Holly M

Fifteen was the exact age my life went into a downward spiral. The exact age. I struggled with SI for about two years, at ages 15 and 16. I'll tell you, making it to 17 made a difference.

My future at 15 seemed murky at best, and nightmarish at worst. I am 30 now, and I am so grateful I did not give up on myself. I know you can...
Holly M's picture
3 days 23 hours ago
Holly M

Thanks, Poetically Armed!  I appreciate your support!  It is so important to connect with the things we love. :)
autismtwin's picture
4 days 11 hours ago
autismtwin

Sometimes, I don't know if I want to get better; I guess I'm afraid of letting go, and learning what it is like to genuinely be happy. It's almost been two months for me - I can't believe I'm actually saying that. But my scars are bad but they aren't risen anymore. It feels abnormal to have smooth skin.

Thanks, and congrats on going two...
theatredancer's picture
4 days 12 hours ago
theatredancer

I feel the same urges sometimes. I want to cut SO BADLY because I tell myself it will feel so good. But I know that cutting is a battle I'm fighting. And I don't want to give in.

You're doing so well, and I know it's hard (it's been two months for me and I still struggle) but you can do this. Remember, people believe in you <3
Poetically Armed's picture
4 days 15 hours ago
Poetically Armed

I'm so happy things worked out for you and you were able to run again. Although I dislike running, I'm glad you were able to continue to do something you love (:
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